I think it’s important to give elephants water

April 20, 2011 at 10:04 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

So, from what I gather from the Water for Elephants trailer, Robert Pattinson is going to take a test and then he doesn’t take a test because there was a car accident. Probably it was his parents that were killed, but maybe it was his Aunt May and his Uncle Ben, and if he’d only tripped the criminal on his way to school to take the test, they’d still be alive and he’d never have to learn that with great power comes great responsibility.


So Robert Pattinson doesn’t take the test, but instead goes to see dead people on a table, and then pukes (or cries? It looked like he was puking to me) in the street, and then closes a door behind him and then jumps on a train, dropping his luggage because he’s just not coordinated enough to run and hold something. Which makes it kind of ironic that he then goes on to join the circus, because it seems like running and holding something would be a skill you would need for that. But not really ironic, because that’s not really how you would use the word, so more like just weird and stupid. Good luck at the circus, Robert Pattinson!

And congratulations on your haircut. You don't look like a complete arse for once.

Then he meets a “beautiful woman,” a.k.a. Reese Witherspoon, the reason I put “beautiful woman” in quotes, because I’ve always found her more “cute” than “beautiful,” but what do I know? And thus begins a love story between them. Ooooh, I’m sorry, a forbidden love story, because she’s already married to the ringmaster or the circus owner or “the boss” or whatever, who’s obviously abusive, because they can’t have one of these stories where the main characters are jerks who break up a perfectly fine marriage.

The hairstyles from that era, however, WERE beautiful.

An elephant does a headstand at one point. That looks cool and all, but I really wish we’d stop making elephants do headstands. I hope that during that part in the movie where the animals revolt and scare the crowds away, while the scene was filmed, the animals actually broke a few trainers’ toes or spines because ha-ha, stop molesting animals, you jerks.

And stop making them pose with teen heart-throbs, jeez.

(I’m sorry, but I just hate circuses with animals. I prefer the all-human kind, because at least humans can decide whether they want to join the circus or not and aren’t just whipped into doing headstands. As far as I know.)

"Oh, absolutely, I was definitely whipped as a child."

Moving right along, tragic love story, “you’re a beautiful woman and you deserve a beautiful life,” like, it’s a good thing I wasn’t writing the script knowing the star would be Reese Witherspoon, because “you’re a cute woman and you deserve a cute life” is much less dramatic.

And then, they grab hands and prepare to jump off a train, so hopefully Robert Pattinson has already told her how hard it is for him to hold things while running, or boy, is she going to be in for a surprise.

"No, I swear, Reese, since I've joined the circus, I've practiced running and holding things, and I've nearly mastered it!"

In conclusion, I have never read the book.

It didn't pass my "first sentence" test. Like: Is the first sentence awesome enough to make me read the rest of this book?



  1. The Usual Suspect said,

    Hope you REALLY like Robert Pattinson, because he’s going to play a lead in the live-action remake of Akira….which is now set in New York City…



    • lokifire said,

      Ha, ha, do you think I’d touch the live-action Akira with a 1,000-foot pole? I hope that thing goes down faster than the Cowboy Bebop live-action movie. Goddamn Hollywood.
      Also, I *heart* Brockway.

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