Wonder Woman vs. The Wonder Twins

April 21, 2011 at 11:42 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, )

Everybody knows who Wonder Woman is (she’s a lawyer who fights crime by night!) and a lot of people have heard of the Wonder Twins. Though they fought side by side (or did they? Who cares, right?) in the wonderful world of cartoons, we will now have them face off against each other for the simple reason that the word “Wonder” is in both of their names.

It's at the beginning.

Also, they’re all brunettes.

Brunette! (Seriously, I've got nuthin'.)

On to the battle!

Physicality. Wonder Woman is an Amazonian goddess-like being with the superpower of keeping that skimpy costume up.

There has got to be some serious duct tape involved.

The Wonder Twins are aliens who look really cool when Alex Ross draws them.

But that's the only time they do look cool.

Winner? Wonder Woman.

Has a lame real-world origin? Ignoring their fictional origin stories for the time being, the Wonder Twins were first introduced to superhero-loving children (and possibly some adults who watched Super Friends, but, seriously, you guys, why?) in the 1970s in cartoon form. Like all characters created specifically for superhero cartoons, they kind of sucked. Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston, a feminist who wanted a Superman-like character, only prettier, to show that women were equal (if not superior to men). On a related note, he was a masochist (citation needed). Also, she was the secretary for the Justice League and stalked some guy. So, goal? Not reached. Winner? Wonder Woman, because the man just kept her down.

Cooler form of transportation? Wonder Woman has an invisible jet, which I imagine would be pretty hard to fly, like, “I wish I could tell if I was out of fuel, but my jet is invisible, so I can’t read the instrument panels.”

Seriously, who designed this thing? Also, can't I fly?

I think the Wonder Twins mostly walked, although one time there was this:

Winner? The Wonder Twins, because that is the most awesome thing I have ever seen.

Has cooler superpowers? Wonder Woman has the superpower to kick your ass. Also, a magic lasso. Which isn’t really a superpower so much as a magical tool, but whatever. It makes you tell the truth! Useful! The Wonder Twins have the power to touch each other (ewwww) and say “Wonder Twin Powers Activate” and turn into things. Like ice-bicycle riding octopi. That power would be cool, but they make it seem so lame. Winner? The lady who has the superpower to kick your ass always wins. Wonder Woman.

Has a stupid pet? I don’t think Wonder Woman even likes animals. But the Wonder Twins do! They have a blue “space monkey” named Gleek. I think they just told everybody it was a space monkey, and dyed a regular monkey blue. Winner? The Wonder Twins.

Stupid Glee and its fans for making this image so hard to find.

Better alter ego? When Wonder Woman first leaves her Amazonian island to travel to the world of men (a smellier world, with slightly less lesbian pornography), she takes on the identity of Diana Prince, a military nurse. That’s a great alter ego, if you have nursing skills. We’ll just assume that Wonder Woman does. The Wonder Twins throw on some blonde wigs and tell everyone they’re Swedish. Winner? Wonder Woman, because, Swedish? Really?

Appeared on Smallville? Who hasn’t appeared on Smallville at this point, right? Oh. Wonder Woman? Really? (Lois in a Wonder Woman costume doesn’t count.) Winner? Wonder Twins.

Throwing the chick who plays Lois in a Wonder Woman costume absolutely doesn't count.

Really? Yeah, that seems pretty silly.

Actually, we find it kind of silly too.

Overall winner? Wonder Woman edges out the Wonder Twins to reign triumphant.

Or at least until CANCELED.

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12 Comments

  1. greg said,

    That new Wonder Woman series…I’m dreading it’s going to be made of awful.

    • lokifire said,

      Why are you dreading it? You should be expecting it.

      • greg said,

        Good point.

  2. The Usual Suspect said,

    Yeah, WW’s invisible jet always seemed kind of ridiculous. Why wouldn’t people notice a seated woman flying through the air? Also, if I had an invisible jet, I would forget where I left it. My car is totally visible and I still misplace it.

    • greg said,

      In the Justice League cartoon, her jet made everything inside of it invisible, which is much more useful. Also the Wonder Twins didn’t have to terrorist-fist-bump each other and say stupid words to activate their powers (and no monkey pal). So yay for Bruce Timm and co. making it all less silly.

      • lokifire said,

        Wait … that doesn’t seem more useful at all. Hasn’t it been scientifically proven that if you’re invisible, you are also blind???

      • greg said,

        Well, and there isn’t a mythical island of Amazonian women with superstrength and flight and magic lassos either. I don’t know. I’m just saying that in the cartoon you didn’t just see a woman sitting and whizzing through the air. I didn’t say it made sense.

      • lokifire said,

        Tch.
        There totally is such an island.

  3. Travis said,

    The MAIN thing that scares me about the upcoming Wonder Woman series is David E. Kelly. The show could start out great… but by episode 5 he’ll have her running around singing Motown songs.

    I saw the SMALLVILLE episode with the Wonder Twins. Instead of a blue space monkey their Gleek was a cell phone/pda type thing.

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, the David E. Kelly issue is the main one there. Agh.

  4. dangerous meredith said,

    I liked the octopus on the frozen bike. Thanks for telling me about that

    • lokifire said,

      I know, isn’t that the greatest??

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