Chuck Bartowski vs. James Bond

July 12, 2011 at 7:25 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

For my readers who love fictional character battles (hi, Jamin!) and for my readers who love them some Zachary Levi (hi, all y’all!), here is a battle between two of the greatest fictional spies of all time: The Intersect and Agent 007.

I love when they put the Intersect in a suit. God bless a good suit.

I totally have this postcard. And magnet!

For those of you who don’t know, Chuck Bartowski is the eponymous starring character of NBC’s Chuck, which I kind of wish would have ended after its fourth season because nothing has a good fifth season ever, and why does Morgan have the Intersect now? James Bond is … hell, you’ve heard of James Bond.

Moving right along: Let’s rock and roll, kids.

Physicality. Well, Chuck Bartowski has the blessing of being portrayed by the  6’4″ Zachary Levi, who … well, just look at him.

Gazing is also allowed.

James Bond has been played by everyone under the sun, most notably Sean Connery and Tim Dalton. OK, maybe not so notably with Mssr. Dalton, but he’s awesome and I love him, so let’s go with it. Most recently, though, he’s been portrayed by Daniel Craig, who is some folks’ cup of tea, but face it, not my type.

Please contact me if you can explain his appeal.

Winner? Chuck Bartowski.

Has a license to kill? You know who has a license to kill? James Bond has a license to kill. He has a license to kill so hard that he’s even got a whole movie named after that fact.

Told ya.

Chuck Bartowski probably also has a license to kill, as he is a CIA agent, but he always just uses tranq darts instead, so … meh, we’ll give this one to Bond. Winner? Bond.

Scored a hotter lady? James Bond scores with hot ladies, like, constantly. He scores with the hot ladies like it’s going out of style. (Note to everyone: Scoring with hot ladies will never go out of style, God willing!) On the other hand, Chuck Bartowski has really only ever had good luck with one lady, which doesn’t seem too impressive, but holy crap have you seen Sarah Walker?

She’s like if Pretty and Dangerous had babies, and the babies all had really great hair and legs that go on forevah!

Winner? Chuck Bartowski.

Has cooler spy toys? One of the reason everybody wants to be a spy when they grow up is because of all the gadgets. There’s pens with poison ink and laser beams and cars that can shoot rockets. So who has the cooler spy toys: Bond or Bartowski? Winner? The guy with the bigger budget. Bond.

If I couldn’t be a spy, then I always wanted to have Q move in next door.

Was played by Clive Owen? I would just like to state, for the record (repeatedly) that Clive Owen would’ve made a really good James Bond. Winner? Nobody.

Everybody loses when Clive Owen doesn’t get cast as James Bond.

Gots better sidekicks? James Bond hasn’t gots no sidekicks. He’s a lone wolf. A renegade, if you will. He’s the Han Solo of spies, except for he hasn’t got a Chewie, so the “Solo” is actually literal. Chuck Bartowski, however, has a slew of sidekicks. An arsenal of them.

What’s this? A chance to use a photograph of John Casey in a tuxedo in a swimming pool? Don’t mind if I do!

Winner? Chuck Bartowski.

Cooler theme song? Well, Chuck has Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket,” but James Bond has the James Bond theme, which was used to great effect in Pizzicato Five’s Twiggy Twiggy. Which I will now insert here for your listening/viewing pleasure.

Winner? James Bond.

Let’s go to a tiebreaker! Who must face a fiercer lady boss? James Bond has M, recently played by Dame Judi Dench, but you know who Chuck has got?

Prior to the beautiful Ms. Dench, M was portrayed by men, pretty much, so this category hardly seems fair.

Chuck has got General Diane Beckman, who once wielded a rocket launcher just because she could.

She’s, like, totally fierce.

Winner? Chuck.

Overall winner? Chuck Bartowski, by a nose.

He DOES have an awfully cute nose.

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5 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    Awwww, thanks 🙂

    Also, i can’t really say exactly *what* it is about Daniel Craig. It’s kinda intangible.

  2. E said,

    Thumbs up for the P5 reference…

  3. Ali Cat said,

    Ok, I’ll ed-u-cate youse!
    Daniel Craig;
    Assets: Muscles. He is buff.
    Personality: Hidden behind a rough and scuffed exterior… That = mystery, instant back story, intrigue, and the deep womanly desire to soothe his emotional pain with a little one on one therapy!
    HIS EYES: Full of pain, love and tenderness, held back yet glowing, like the eyes of a caged tiger.

    Overall feeling: He could love and protect a woman and her children. It’s an ancient formula and one that works so well we keep using it!
    (It’s a jungle out there! Who wouldn’t want a Tarzan by her side!!)

    BTW, great blog post, and I agree Owen would make an excellent Bond. Perhaps after Craig has migrated to the BBC nature shows. 🙂

    Long live Chuck!
    Wow! 6’4″ you say?!
    ‘,=]*]

    • lokifire said,

      Well, there you go. I don’t see it myself, but an eloquent defense of Daniel Craig’s charms.
      And, yup! 6’4″, I say.

  4. Ali Cat said,

    And speaking of eyes!
    Zachary Levi.
    OmG!
    Your eyes speak to me.
    They say all kinds of funky shit!! Damn!!
    🙂

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