A love letter to (Shotaro) Kaneda

July 21, 2011 at 4:50 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,

I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.

The perfect boy has a laser gun.

I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.

Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).

He was so awesome, he rode to work hanging onto the fronts of trains. Because he could, that's why.

Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.

Or the other one. Whichever.

And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.

And why?

It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.

Oh, Kaneda. So much psychic ass did you kick.

So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.

And a post-apocalyptic Neo-Tokyo to rule.

Stay classy!

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3 Comments

  1. Tiffany said,

    I love this! You are so awesome! This is the perfect review!

  2. Sunny Emmerich said,

    Heck yeah!!

    • lokifire said,

      He is a sexy beast, eh?

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