With all the undead roaming about lately (See: Diaries, Vampire; Twilight; etc. for more details), it’s hard to tell exactly which class of the no longer living your boyfriend is of. Well, never fear (unless he’s the kind that wants to kill you, I guess. Then you should fear.)! For I am here to educate you.
This week’s lesson: Are you dating a ghost? In the form of a Top Ten list!
1. Is your boyfriend dead? First off, I would like to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. Secondly, I would like to add that today I learned the difference between caskets and coffins.
2. Oh, you say your boyfriend is dead, but you’re still dating? Well, that’s great news! Or kind of great. Or, you know, okay news. Anyway, if you’re dating a dead man, you’re well on the path to knowing for sure if you’re dating a ghost. Or not.
3. Is your boyfriend corporeal? If your boyfriend doesn’t get all Kitty Pryde-intangible on occasion, but he is dead, then you’re not dating a ghost. That guy’s probably a vampire or a zombie, and we’ve been over that before. I mean, sure, I guess I could beat a dead horse, but only if I think of some new jokes.
4. Moving right along, if your boyfriend is both dead and incorporeal, does he tend to only hang out at one … “haunt,” shall we say? Do you see what I did there? I did the thing where I use one meaning of the word as a terribly lame pun for … probably a pretty similar meaning of the word, actually. Anyhoo! If your boyfriend spends all his time in one place, especially an eerie mansion of some sort that most people would describe as “haunted” or the scene of his murder or something like that, then chances are, he’s a ghost.
5. Does your boyfriend only appear in photos as a blurry, vaguely human shape? I’ve heard ghosts do that. Also scratches on camera lenses.
6. Does he say things like: “I’m tethered to this world until such and such wrong can be righted?” (We’re assuming he described the wrong rather than saying “such and such,” because that’s just silly.) Signs are strong you’re dating a ghost.
7. Are people always trying to exorcise him? People do that to demons too. Well, exorcists do.
8. Is his idea of dressing up limited to tossing a sheet over his head with some eye-holes cut in it for good measure? Because that’s totally what ghosts look like.
9. Are you the only one who can see your boyfriend? This isn’t some jealousy thing we’re talking about here. This is actual seeing. Visually. With your eyes.
10. I hate to bring this up because I know you’re sensitive about it, but just to be sure: He’s actually dead, right? It’s him, right, and not you? Because it could be you. That happens sometimes. Like you think you’re not dead, but then it turns out you are and you’re a ghost? I’m just saying, is all.
Anyway, we’ve finished our ten-step program to make sure you’re dating a ghost (and not that you are a ghost; you should really check into that. Are you missing any chunks of time? Are people ignoring you (more than usual)?). I’m sure this has cleared things up for you.