A Trifecta of Terrible (movies)

September 22, 2011 at 4:28 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , , )

Lest you think that liking Revenge has made me soft and not as pre-judgmental as usual, rest assured that there are three terrible, horrible, no-good bad movies that I won’t be seeing this weekend.

1. A Dolphin’s Tale.

I hate the sea and everything in it. (Except for the opportunity it allows me to quote the Sea Captain from The Simpsons, I guess.) But I hate dolphins the most. They’re the bastards of the sea.

Man, that kid's just asking to be aquatically murdered.

Also: Cyborg dolphins? Are you kidding me, humanity?

2. Moneyball.

I'm pretty sure there's nothing you could add to this movie that would make me not hate it and want to stab myself in the brains if I had to watch it.

I’ve already said I don’t particularly find Brad Pitt attractive, but even if you cast Takeshi Kaneshiro in this thing, it wouldn’t be enough to make me want to watch a movie about baseball and … statistics, I think. Ugh.

Well, gosh, if you insist: Sure, I'll shoehorn a photo of Takeshi Kaneshiro in there!

3. Abduction.

I always thought that the real evil in Twilight lay in reading the “books.” (I put the word books in quotes there because do they really count?) But now I see that the real evil is in the UTTER RUINATION OF OUR ACTION FILMS WHY WOULD ANYONE CAST TYLER LAUTNER FROM TWILIGHT IN ONE ARGHHHHHH.

Man, remember when our action heroes were named "Snake" or "Indiana" and they didn't suck?

Also, I’m kind of pissed, because now I can remember Tyler Lautner’s name. That knowledge probably pushed out a useful fact, like a statistic on how many baby kittens dolphins have murdered or something.

Oooooh, good news! It turns out it's TAYLOR Lautner, so I don't actually ... shit. I've committed that to memory now.

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4 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    God i frakkin’ hate dolphins…

    • lokifire said,

      I’m not the only one?
      (Well, me and the Anti-Dolphin organization aren’t the only ones??)

      • Jamin said,

        Please tell me the Anti-Dolphin Organization is a real thing? And yeah, i tend to hate any animal that is typically portrayed by Hollywood as cute, intelligent, or generally endearing, with the exception of bears and wolves–they have enough street cred to pass.

      • lokifire said,

        Oh, yeah, the Anti-Dolphin Organization is a real thing. I found it when I googled “Dolphins are evil.” Which they are, the raping, murdering bastards.

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