So you think you’re dating a robot: A modern teen’s guide

September 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm (Top Ten) (Asimov's Laws, Bender, Futurama, Magneto, Robots, The Terminator)

All right, so you’re not dating a werewolf or a vampire or any of those things. But something seems a little bit off about your new boyfriend and you just can’t quite put your finger on it.

Well, maybe he’s a robot!

Here’s a list of 10 ways to be sure, possibly.

1. Does he want to destroy humanity?

It’s true that a lot of robots want to destroy humanity, except for the wussy Asimov ones, but you could just as easily be dating Magneto.

"Hey, Baby, wanna kill all humans?"

2. Does he come from the future?

Some robots come from the future.

Everything is pimpin' in the future. ESPECIALLY the robots.

3. When you prick him, does he not bleed?

I just really wanted to get that one in there.

Shakespeare reference alert! Shakespeare reference alert!

4. Can he do things that normal, non-robotic human beings can’t do?

Like enjoy a life as a mechanical man?

Or send you into convulsions of pants-wetting terror at the mere sight of him?

5. Can he transform into an automobile, jet or possibly a (*snicker*) cassette deck?

Transformers are robots, aren’t they?

I mean, they LOOK like robots, but you know the old saying: "There's more than meets the eye."

6. Does he sometimes call your family “those puny humans”?

And then he crushes your brother’s car with his bare fist?

Or his bare pincers, I guess.

7. Do his funeral pre-arrangements consist of “downloading into a new body”?

Handy!

8. Can he time travel?

Some robots can time travel.

AND kill everything in their paths.

9. Does he go for long periods of time without eating, drinking or breathing, say, like, the entire time you’ve known him?

This is a good hint that your boyfriend doesn’t need to do any of those things and, thus, is a robot.

Also, he looks like this, which should really have clued you in in the first place.

10. Last, but not least: Is your boyfriend constantly looking for loopholes in Asimov’s laws so he can do something about his pesky neighbors?

Seriously, honey, if he was a regular human being, he’d’ve already shot them for letting their dog poop on his lawn for the 12th time this week.

"Jerks."