So you think you’re dating Sherlock Holmes: A modern teen’s guide

October 11, 2011 at 11:05 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

So, lately, you’ve been dating this guy. You know he’s not a robot or an Egyptian mummy, but there’s something a little different about him. You know who’s a little different? Sherlock Holmes! Sherlock Holmes is a little different! Perhaps you’re dating him!

What? No, I didn't come up with the idea for this post simply as an excuse to find more images of Benedict Cumberbatch. Why would you think such a thing?

Let’s find out by using this handy 10-step guide!

1. Is your boyfriend a genius? If your boyfriend is a genius, sure that’s great and all, but there’s plenty of geniuses who aren’t Sherlock Holmes.

Why, here's one now! Hello, Tesla!

2. Is your boyfriend a detective? Now if your boyfriend is not only a genius but also the world’s only consulting detective, things are looking brighter.

Well, they're not looking brighter for the dead lady, but at least her murder will be avenged.

3. Is his best friend a doctor? And is that doctor named “John Watson”? If he’s not named “John Watson,” then you’re definitely not dating Sherlock Holmes, because Holmes only has one friend and that one friend is Dr. John Watson.

And I for sure don't say it often enough, but Martin Freeman is brilliant as Watson and I love him very much for it.

4. Did your boyfriend used to do a lot of cocaine? And did he only stop doing all that cocaine when his best friend Dr. John Watson convinced him it was an unhealthy habit?

5. Does he say things like “it’s a three-pipe problem” or, if you’re dating the modern Sherlock, “a three-patch problem”? Today’s modern Sherlock Holmes is trying to quit smoking. Good on him!

Although he does look pretty cool with that pipe.

6. Do people describe themselves as his “archenemy”? Really, it would be only one of two people, because no one else can match up to Holmes: Either the evil genius Moriarty or the evil genius Mycroft Holmes. I’m not actually sure how evil Mycroft Holmes is, but he works for the government, so pretty evil, right?

Sure, Moriarty's a mass-murdering serial bomber, but he's no POLITICIAN, am I right?

7. Does he live for the high of solving crimes? The weirder the better?

8. Are you Irene Adler? It wouldn’t matter if you were. He never dated her, anyway.

I cannot say it enough, people, but they met for approximately TWO MINUTES and then she got married to someone else about five minutes later THEY WERE NEVER IN LOVE, CHRIST!

9. Does he live at 221B Baker Street? Can you steal me a piece of wallpaper and see if he’ll autograph it?

And don't forget to tell him I love him!

10. Does he not know or care that the earth revolves around the sun? “If we went around the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn’t make any difference!” he might say.

And then he'd play the violin in an annoying manner because Shut up, you!, that's why.

If you have answered yes to most or all of these questions, then whatever. You’re still not dating Sherlock Holmes because he doesn’t date.

In conclusion, go to hell, Guy Ritchie.

Mr. Ritchie, there are just SO MANY THINGS wrong with your Sherlock Holmes that I can't even begin to punch you in the throat often, or hard, enough.



  1. jennibennyfan said,

    Amen!!! Have you heard about the Sherlock-Holmes-debate? Here is the link:
    It’s about which of the Sherlock-versions (BBC or Guy Ritchie) has done more for the Sherlock Holmes legacy.
    Oh, and unfortunately, I’m not dating Sherlock. ^^

    • lokifire said,

      Interesting. Of course, I’m all for the BBC version. Obviously.
      And don’t feel bad that you’re not dating Sherlock Holmes. Nobody is!

  2. Jamin said,

    Awesome post 🙂
    Also, i think there’s just something inherently awesome with the name “Freeman”. Think about it: Martin Freeman, Morgan Freeman, Gordon Freeman. That’s some pretty elite company raht thar!

    • lokifire said,

      There used to be an artist named Freeman Butts. I always pronounce it like “Free Man-Butts.”
      Because I’m 12.

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  5. theadorkabletimelord said,

    I might have to start looking for a Sherlock Holmes substitute.
    or I’ll just join Molly Hooper in wishing we could date him.

    • lokifire said,

      The sad thing is that even she hasn’t got a chance with him, and they exist in the same reality.
      (And if you find a Sherlock Holmes substitute, let me know if he’s got a brother or a Watson or something.)

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