Nowadays, it seems like all the cool kids are dating vampires. (Well, them and that Bella chick, anyway.) And you don’t want to be left out! You’re pretty sure your boyfriend is a vampire … probably.
Well, you’re wrong.
Here’s how you know for certain.
1. Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: Your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight.
If your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight, you’re not dating a vampire. You’re dating a unicorn.
2. Your boyfriend has never killed you to drink your blood.
That’s good news for you, I guess, but bad news for the likelihood of your boyfriend being a vampire.
3. Your boyfriend wears a lot of black and dark eye makeup.
Eh, he’s probably just a goth kid or perhaps in a visual-kei band.
4. But he’s so pale and he looks kind of like Dracula!
Does he pee red? If he pees red, he suffers from porphyria. (No, it’s not from all the blood.)
5. He can get into buildings uninvited.
Hardly any supernatural creatures can get into human dwellings uninvited, which is nice. Aliens probably can, though.
6. He’s not actually, you know, dead.
Techinically, vampires are undead, but you do have to die first and then come back to be a vampire. Kind of like those people in all the “I saw a White Light” specials!
7. He enjoys Italian and Chinese food.
Whoa there with the garlic, buddy! I thought you were a vampire!
8. C’mon, list! He says he’s a vampire!
You know who doesn’t claim to be vampires? Vampires. They don’t want to get staked.
9. He does like sleeping in a coffin.
I already told you: Goth.
10. He doesn’t have the distinctive odor of … eh, let’s describe it as “horrible, rotting flesh” … about him.
I know, I know. Your boyfriend doesn’t smell, you know, great, but he is a teenage boy. And I’m sorry, teenage boys, but there are some of you who desperately, desperately need to meet our friends “soap” and “deodorant.”