You’re probably not dating a vampire: A modern teen’s guide

October 25, 2011 at 11:55 am (Top Ten) ()

Nowadays, it seems like all the cool kids are dating vampires. (Well, them and that Bella chick, anyway.) And you don’t want to be left out! You’re pretty sure your boyfriend is a vampire … probably.

Well, you’re wrong.

Here’s how you know for certain.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: Your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight.

If your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight, you’re not dating a vampire. You’re dating a unicorn.

Insert dirty "horn" joke here.

2. Your boyfriend has never killed you to drink your blood.

That’s good news for you, I guess, but bad news for the likelihood of your boyfriend being a vampire.

3. Your boyfriend wears a lot of black and dark eye makeup.

Eh, he’s probably just a goth kid or perhaps in a visual-kei band.

If he's prettier than you are, he's definitely in the band.

4. But he’s so pale and he looks kind of like Dracula!

Does he pee red? If he pees red, he suffers from porphyria. (No, it’s not from all the blood.)

Oh, God, porphyria looks HORRIBLE.

5. He can get into buildings uninvited.

Hardly any supernatural creatures can get into human dwellings uninvited, which is nice. Aliens probably can, though.

Because who's going to invite aliens in for a fun night of probing, right?

6. He’s not actually, you know, dead.

Techinically, vampires are undead, but you do have to die first and then come back to be a vampire. Kind of like those people in all the “I saw a White Light” specials!

7. He enjoys Italian and Chinese food.

Whoa there with the garlic, buddy! I thought you were a vampire!

I like garlic. On an unrelated note, I don't date much.

8. C’mon, list! He says he’s a vampire!

You know who doesn’t claim to be vampires? Vampires. They don’t want to get staked.

Well, and who does, really? That thing looks sharp.

9. He does like sleeping in a coffin.

I already told you: Goth.

10. He doesn’t have the distinctive odor of … eh, let’s describe it as “horrible, rotting flesh” … about him.

I know, I know. Your boyfriend doesn’t smell, you know, great, but he is a teenage boy. And I’m sorry, teenage boys, but there are some of you who desperately, desperately need to meet our friends “soap” and “deodorant.”

Yes, that's right: All this to lead up to a joke about gamers.



  1. jennibennyfan said,

    Hahaha! Hilarious. 😀
    So, gamers are the modern day vampires? Heck, why did I haven’t seen this connection yet? 😉 I mean, it’s quite obvious, isn’t it? Both look pale, live in their own kind of parallel universe (sometimes have their own language 😉 ) and both don’t want that other people know what they are. ^^ Both don’t like sunlight or water (doesn’t matter if it’s holy or not ^^). Thank you for informing me about that fact. 😉

    • lokifire said,

      Heh. I think you just made my post funnier than it was!

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