The Ghostbusters vs. The Three Musketeers

October 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , )

That movie The Three Musketeers opened last weekend and hopefully no one saw it. (Because it deserves to go down in flames, that’s why.) In honor of the original Three Musketeers, though, please enjoy this fictional character battle in which they face off against the Ghostbusters.

Don't cross the streams, guys! Or, wait, do! I guess it actually doesn't matter!

What do these trios (plus one) have in common?

Possibly nothing! Let’s find out!

Physicality. It’s hard to rate groups of people by attractiveness, because, like, there’s varying levels of hotness in groups. Also, I’m not really sure what the Three Musketeers look like, except French. On the other hand, Bill Murray is not a handsome man. Winner? Let’s call this one a tie and move right along.

Yeah, that's a look I would describe as "French" for sure.

Has cooler weapons? The Three Musketeers are masters of fencing and swordfightery, which are actually the same thing except one is a word I made up. They use swords for their weapons, because of course they do. Possibly sometimes they use muskets, but it doesn’t matter. Do you know why? (Of course you know why.) Proton packs is why. Winner? The Ghostbusters.

That's much better than the one I had when I was a kid, which was made out of a cardboard box and a vacuum hose.

Fight a more deadly foe? Man, I really should’ve re-read the Three Musketeers before going into this thing. I think they were fighting … I don’t know … the king’s enemies or something? After some brief googling … eh, that’s close enough. The Ghostbusters, on the other hand, fight ghosts. Also the ancient Sumerian god Gozer. Winners? The Ghostbusters.

Meet a more fatal femme fatale? The femmest fatale in Ghostbusters is the stunning Sigourney Weaver, taking a break from fighting aliens to get possessed by ancient deities. So she’s not really evil, per se, so much as “transformed into a hideous dog-thing.” In The Three Musketeers, the Musketeers and their pal d’Artagnan must deal with Milady de Winter, who is gorgeous and also a multiple murderess! Winners? The Three Musketeers.

There is no Dana. There is only Zuul.

Have a better motto? The Three Musketeers’ motto is the oft-imitated: “All for One and One for All!” The Ghostbusters’ is “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” I’d call this a tie, but only one of these mottos has been successfully translated to song. Winners? The Ghostbusters.

Cooler means of transportation? The Three Musketeers probably rode horses, or maybe they walked, or maybe even went by chariot. It doesn’t matter, for much the same reason an epee is just no competition for a proton pack. The Ecto-1 is undefeatable. Winner? The Ghostbusters.

When I die, I want to be buried in the Ecto-1. Firstly, for the coolness factor. Secondly, for the inconvenience to my loved ones.

Have more movies? Glory be, there are dozens or so Three Musketeers movies. There are only two Ghostbusters movies, only one that counts, and one that might never be produced and will probably let us all down just as much as the fourth Indiana Jones did. Winners? The Three Musketeers.

We'll illustrate with the poster from the 1974 film.

Because this is just a lopsided, sad little battle, let’s go ahead and name an overall winner: And it’s obviously the Ghostbusters.

I'm sorry, Mssr. Dumas, but bustin' makes me feel good.


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