So you think you’re dating an X-Files monster: A modern teen’s guide

October 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm (Top Ten) ()

So you’re a teenager and you suspect that you might be dating a monster from an episode of the X-Files. First off, I would like to congratulate you on your excellent — and retro! — taste in television. Secondly, I would like to assure you that you most certainly are dating an X-Files monster. The only thing is it’s hard to be sure which one. There were so many, after all, and in later seasons, they started getting repetitive. Also, I quit watching, so there will be no monsters from the Mulder-less episodes. In case you were wondering.

Anyway, here’s your handy Halloween ten-point guide to which X-Files Monster are you dating:

1. Might it be the Flukeman?

Ugh, you had better hope it’s not the Flukeman. But if you’re not sure, ask yourself these questions: Does my boyfriend look like a giant tapeworm? Does he live in the sewers? If the answer to either of these questions is “yes,” I would say you’re better off without him, especially if you had an affirmative response to the first question, because who dates a guy who looks like a giant tapeworm?

Uh-uh. Look, no, I’m sorry. No pictures of flukeworms, flukemen or other nasty things on my blog. Instead, we shall gaze upon the beauty that is Mulder and Scully. Gaze, I say!

2. Maybe it’s Eugene Tooms, perhaps.

Oh, my, I should hope not. (Yes, I’m afraid that “hoping not” is how most of these entries are going to start out.) Sure, Eugene Tooms has the mutant ability of stretching random parts of his body like some kind of crazed Mr. Fantastic (OK, more crazed), but he mostly uses that ability to get into rooms and eat people’s livers. Which was probably not the first thought that entered your mind when I said that thing about “mutant stretching ability.” And I want you to know that’s all right.

He’s thinking it too.

3. It could be Lanny. Or Leonard.

You should hope not, right? Lanny and Leonard are conjoined twins in that really great episode that Darrin Morgan wrote: “Humbug.” Think Total Recall, and you’ve got the idea. (What? Yes, all my references are at least a couple of decades old. What of it?) Anyway, if dating mutated conjoined twins wasn’t horrific enough for you, the smaller one can detach from his brother and goes on a murderous rampage. It’s not like he’s killing people on purpose, since he’s only trying to find a better host to conjoin with, but he’s no less fatal.

Except to tattooed geeks, who find him quite tasty.

4. “Virgil Incanto might be my boyfriend,” you say.

Yes, you had best hope you’re not seeing Virgil Incanto, also known as the “fat-sucking vampire.” Really, I think that’s all that needs to be said.

In Amy Adam’s past is a role as a fat-sucking vampire on Smallville. That’s just sad.

5. Or maybe it’s Robert Patrick Modell.

Also known as “Pusher.” Not for his penchant of pushing people after waiting in line for a while, but for his psychic ability to control their minds. You know, like Firestarter’s dad or Jesse Custer. (Whoo! Check out the dated references on those guys!) Anyway, you should certainly hope you’re not dating “Pusher,” because how would you even know?

“What? No, baby, I didn’t hypnotize you into thinking I’m not a smarmy bastard. Now get me some coffee.”

6. Possibly it’s Leonard Morris Betts.

It’s Cancer Man! No, the other one! This gentleman monster, like many a movie monster before him, cannot be killed. Unlike many a movie monster before him, it’s because he’s one giant ball of cancer. Also, he has to eat cancer. Also, he does get killed by Scully, so there’s that.

Dammit, Google, I said “not that one.”

7. Edward H. “Eddie” Van Blundt Jr. could be the one!

Of all the X-Files monsters you could be dating, this fellow is the most likely, because he can mutate himself to look like anyone, although usually Darin Morgan. But possibly anyone.

If you’re a fan of the four X-Files episodes Darin Morgan wrote, then that’s a bonus for you!

8. “The Great Mutato” would be an awful name for my boyfriend to have, you think.

A veritable Frankenstein’s monster, which is what this post would’ve been about if I could’ve thought of more than two questions (maybe some other time, faithful readers. Maybe some other time), the Great Mutato lives in a small town and is pretty hideous. Also, he likes Cher. *shudder* Oh, and your dates would consist of him drugging you and having his way with you while you’re unconcious. Fun times!

Also, he was a character in a comic book on the show. Yeah, it was one of THOSE episodes.

9. You could be dating the Invisible Men!

Does it seem like your boyfriend never shows up for your dates? Do your friends complain about the creepy pair of floating red eyes that always seem to accompany you? Then you could be dating one of the invisible men that for some reason had something to do with the Fountain of Youth, because that episode was really stretching there.

Thus began the downward spiral.

10. Or maybe it’s Wayne Weinsider.

Well, this one doesn’t seem so bad, because Wayne Weinsider is really Bruce Campbell. Also a demon. Who just really wants to have a normal human baby, dammit. Awwww, he seems sweet.

I know. I always thought I should’ve liked that episode more than I did, too.

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3 Comments

  1. Salome said,

    I’m thinking I attract the Tooms variety…

    • lokifire said,

      Cover your liver!!!!

  2. Dating for Geeks | Dating and Relationships said,

    […] So you think you’re dating an X-Files monster: A modern teen’s guide #header {text-align: center } #description { clear:both;text-align: center; } […]

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