Shut up, yes, eventually my obsession will relent, all right? Until then, please enjoy seeing the original detective face off against the guy who was clearly created in his image.
(I mean, everybody knows that, right? House? Holmes? Everybody got that, right?)
Anyway, Gregory House is a cranky doctor who solves medical mysteries. Sherlock Holmes is a cranky detective who solves non-medical mysteries.
Is the original better?
Will I use more pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch?
Let’s find out!
Physicality. Blah blah blah, Sherlock Holmes is supposed to be ugly. We all know my stance on that, and how Benedict Cumberbatch’s striking looks have swayed me to the other side. (I’m fickle that way.) On the other hand, Hugh Laurie is a very attractive man. Winner? I can’t choose! Don’t make me choose! How could I choose? (Let’s call this a tie.)
Is currently on a television show that doesn’t suck? I’ve heard this season of House has gotten better, and also, now that Olivia Wilde is totally a movie “actress,” she isn’t on it anymore. I’ve considered watching it again, but have never gotten around to it. The BBC’s Sherlock, however, is very, very excellent and if you aren’t already watching it, you should be, and maybe I should have a viewing party at my place, you’re all invited. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a better best friend/sidekick? House’s bestie/sidekick is oncologist Dr. James Wilson. Gosh, you know who that name reminds me of? Dr. John Watson is who that name reminds me of. Anyhoo, Dr. James Wilson acts as House’s conscience, except he kind of sucks at it because House is still basically (and gloriously) evil, and he’s also never shot anyone. Watson is Holmes’ soul, and also carries a gun. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a more interesting romantic life? Holmes hasn’t got a romantic life. House occasionally has one, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it interesting. Winner? Nobody.
Is more likely to kill you than to save you? Neither of these guys are really all that into the sanctity of human life, but only House is going to treat you for a disease you possibly don’t have because he’s got no time for testing, dammit! Getting treatment for the wrong disease is often quite deadly. Winner? House.
Has a more interesting addiction? Both House and Holmes are addicted to the high that comes with puzzle-solving, so we’re cutting that one out right off the bat here. Holmes, in his down time, occasionally used cocaine until Dr. Watson got him off the stuff. House suffers from severe leg pain and an addiction to vicodin, which no one has been able to talk him off of, and has even got him in trouble with the cops. I’d say that’s kind of interesting. Winner? House.
Has a motorcycle? House sometimes has a motorcycle. Winner? House.
Been to prison? House just got out of prison. Winner? House.
Is the original? Sherlock Holmes is the original. Winner? Holmes.
Has a cooler first name? I like the name Gregory. But it’s no Sherlock. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
It’s time for a tiebreaker, which is odd, because I kind of assumed Holmes would kill this thing. I guess I underestimated my love for Hugh Laurie.
The tiebreaker! Has a better catchphrase? Holmes’ catchphrases are varied and include some of the following: “The game is afoot.” “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Those are awesome. Once, for Christmas, my mother got me a book of Sherlock Holmes quotations and that was the best Christmas ever. House’s catchprase is short, sweet and to the point: “Everyone lies.” That’s awesome. But I still like Holmes better. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, because, duh, I’m obsessed more than usual right now.