So you think you’re dating a unicorn: A modern teen’s guide

November 16, 2011 at 11:20 am (Top Ten) (, , , )

Lately, you’ve noticed your boyfriend isn’t like the other mythical creatures. He’s more four-legged and neighs and eats hay and stuff.

Maybe my darling Timothy is a unicorn, you think, as you sit beside him at the drive-in theater, holding his hoof.

Also, in this scenario, you are Robocop.

But how can you be sure?

By using this handy-dandy checklist is how you can be sure! So let’s get to it.

1. Does he have a horn?

We’re not talking trumpets or cutesy little nicknames for his … well, you know. We’re talking a horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead.

Hold on just a minute while I GAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

2. Also, does he mostly look like a horse, except for that horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead?

Although some people claim that unicorns look more like goats.

And in China, they look more like this poor, confused bastard.

3. Are you a virgin?

Now don’t go blaming me for this. It’s just flat out well-known that this is a preference for unicorns. Unless, I suppose, you’re dating one that goes more for pureness of heart than for pureness of the lady bits.

"Yup, those are some pure lady bits, all right."

4. Does his horn (that we previously ascertained is an actual horn, not a trumpet and not a nickname like “Mr. Wiggles”) have magical properties?

Again, this horn is not in his pants.

5. When you go on dates, are you often refused entry as the clerk/shop owner/bartender points to the sign “No Pets Allowed”?

“He’s not a pet, he’s my boyfriend!” you might proclaim.

"That's sick," will be the inevitable reply.

6. Does that lady who married a dolphin laugh at your taste in men?

And she married one of the bastards of the sea!

Eh, he probably ripped off her face in one of the pictures we DON'T see.

7. Does Tim Curry keep pestering you two, wanting to rid the world of all goodness or something?

Oh, please, did you seriously think you were getting out of this thing without at least one Legend reference?

Tim Curry: a demon god among men.

8. When you talk about riding your boyfriend, you’re not actually talking about sex?

“Thanks to my darling Timothy, I always make it to school on time!”

9. Just for clarification: Horn. Middle of forehead. Not in pants.

Seriously, girls, just because your boyfriend says he has a horn doesn’t mean he’s a unicorn. It means he’s a teenage boy.

Or a narwhal.

10. When you’re served poison, does he dip his horn into it to neutralize its properties?

Apparently, unicorn horns can do that. Not teenage boys though, because what teenage boy in his right mind would go about dipping his tender bits in poison?

"Thank heavens for your boyfriend's magical horn! We all could have died if we had continued to drink that poison!"

 Well, there you go, ladies. You’re dating a unicorn.

And you're Darth Vader.

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1 Comment

  1. Unicorn horns for all! Especially cats! | Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] so much because I love unicorns (but who doesn’t love unicorns, amiright?), but because my cat is a […]

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