Sherlock Holmes vs. Elijah Snow

December 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

Ever since I mentioned it in my last Holmes face-off, I’ve been wondering how the genius detective would fare against the genius mystery archeologist. So I’ve decided to go ahead and have two of my favorite fictional characters ever in the whole world meet in battle. And by battle, I mean, you know, a list of things that I like about them.

At any rate: Sherlock Holmes! Versus! Elijah Snow!

Oh, God, how can I ever choose?

Physicality. Sherlock Holmes is a tall, gangly and somewhat homely fellow, except when he’s played by the dashing Robert Downing Jr. and the exceedingly beautiful Benedict Cumberbatch. Elijah Snow is a white fox who looks hella good in a white suit. Winner? *sob* I just … I just can’t … They’re both so … it’s a tie.

Has superpowers? Elijah Snow has the superpower of heat subtraction, which is basically the ability to make things colder than a witch’s tit after she’s been sunbathing nude in February. Sherlock Holmes has the superpower of being smarter than you. I’m not sure that’s a real superpower. Winner? Elijah Snow.

Elijah Snow’s superpower in action. Also, he has the superpower of being a billionaire, so he can totally afford a new desk.

Was trained by a genius detective? Hey, you know who was trained by a genius detective? Elijah Snow. Elijah Snow was trained by a genius detective. Winner? Elijah Snow.

He didn’t need any training in being a badass, though.

Is the genius detective who did said training? Hey, you know who was the genius detective who trained Elijah Snow? Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is that genius detective. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Thus it is implied that someone perhaps didn’t need any training to become a genius detective? That’s not actually a question. Shut up. You shut up. Maybe we should all shut up. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

I tell you, being smarter than you IS my superpower.

Is more than a century old? Elijah Snow is more than a century old, and he looks really good for his age too.

Stars in stories that transcend the ages? Sherlock Holmes the character is more than a century old too! Also, he will never die. Like Santa Claus! (What? It’s almost Christmas.) Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Oooh, ooh! I call dibs on “Sherlock Holmes Saves Christmas”!

Looks good in a white suit? Right now, I would like to put it out into the world that someone should dress Benedict Cumberbatch in a white suit for an episode of Sherlock. Until then, our winner is the always-stylish Elijah Snow.

We’d look so good at the opera together.

Can work a deerstalker cap like no one’s business? I don’t care if the deerstalker cap wasn’t originally canon, people can’t think of Holmes without thinking of deerstalker caps, even if they don’t know that they’re called deerstalker caps. Kind of like I didn’t know Trilby hats were called Trilby hats until this fall. I know! I went so much of my life without knowing that! Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Fashion!

Has a better sidekick? Elijah Snow actually has two sidekicks: the beautiful and deadly Jakita Wagner and The Drummer, who is crazy and can communicate with electronics and stuff. I love those guys! But Sherlock Holmes has Watson. Watson is Watson! It’s just … I can’t … don’t make me! Winner? A tie.

Jakita Wagner can jump out of helicopters without hurting anyone but you.

Has traversed the multiverse? I said it that way so it rhymed. Elijah Snow has gone to a couple of alternate earths, which is way more traversing of the multiverse than the rest of us have gotten around to, so it counts. Sherlock Holmes lives in fictional 1800s London, which, yeah, doesn’t have magic spaceships or whatever yet. Winner? Elijah Snow.

When you gaze into the multiverse, the multiverse gazes also into you.

Oh, yeah, but who’s done more traveling by hansom cab? When I was but a wee little lass reading Sherlock Holmes stories, I always thought he and Watson were traveling in attractive cabs. Ha, ha, I was really stupid. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

“What do you mean it’s ‘Hansom’?” — College Me

So it’s totally a tie. So it is.

Are you planning to do anything about that? Well, I … GAH! Why am I putting myself through this? I love these guys sooooo much! How could I choose? How could I possibly ever???

Sooooo, no tiebreaker then? *sniff*

Are you just going to keep crying? Maybe.

*Sigh*. No. No, I’m fine. Let’s go on, then. Let’s do this.

Let’s. The tie-breaking, heartbreaking final absolutely last question: Who currently stars on a show airing on the BBC? Wow, that seems really biased. Kind of like, maybe deep down, I always wanted Sherlock Holmes to take this thing. Winner? Sherlock “The Undefeatable” Holmes.

I knew she’d pick me.

Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, mostly because he is my all-time favorite fictional character in the whole world ever, and partially because it’s winter now so things that make me colder are pissing me off.

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5 Comments

  1. jennibennyfan said,

    YAY! Sherlock wins. Again. As it should be. Woohoo. ๐Ÿ˜€
    Can’t await January 1st, when season two will start on BBC. ๐Ÿ˜€

    • lokifire said,

      I know, but Elijah Snow can freeze things and break them, which made it really tough to choose. ๐Ÿ™‚
      And yes, I can’t wait for the new season. I mean, I can, physically, but I don’t wanna!!

  2. Jamin said,

    I think this is right up there with your best stuff ๐Ÿ™‚

    • lokifire said,

      Well, thank heavens for that, because it was actually painful.
      I mean, gosh! Elijah Snow, the best superhero ever? Versus Sherlock Holmes, the best detective ever?
      I was really torn here!

      • Jamin said,

        Drama and trauma make for some of the best art. Probably.

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