The Long Kiss Goodnight is an underrated holiday classic

December 15, 2011 at 1:00 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

So Christmas time has come again, which means your favorite TV shows are going to have Christmas-themed episodes of variable quality, you’ll get to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the 277th time, and you’ll catch the occasional Christmas-themed flick during your weekend television viewing.

But you know what Christmas movie you’re probably not going to see?

The Long Kiss Goodnight.

Also, it has, like, the BEST action movie name ever.

And that is a damnable shame.

Because The Long Kiss Goodnight is the best Christmas movie ever.

See, you’ve got Geena Davis (playing a spy with amnesia way before anybody ever heard of Jason Bourne) killing people left and right, all the while being a total badass.

I mean, she can ice skate AND murder people at the same time. I can't even ice skate!

You’ve got Samuel L. Jackson getting exploded right out of a window and being just fine.

And the guy from X-Men: The Second One stows a gun in the BEST PLACE EVER.

You’ve got buildings exploding and massacres on farms. You’ve got the government conspiring with terrorists. You’ve got Geena Davis saying to the big baddie: “You’re going to die screaming. And I’m going to watch.”

And who can forget the water torture scene, when she says all terrifying-like to the bad guy: "I let you touch me, Cowboy. I think I need a bath."

You’ve got Geena Davis’s little girl saying, “Mommy, are we going to die?” And Geena Davis answering, “No, you’re not going to die, honey. They are.” She’s the best mommy ever!!!

I feel like I'd be a better mother if I had access to machine guns.

And all of this immense awesome is set against a background of O Holy Nights and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

(Oh, and some guy gets started on fire in a helicopter somehow, and as he’s falling to his death, he gets tangled up in a bunch of Christmas lights.)

God bless us all, everyone, indeed.

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6 Comments

  1. Jeremy said,

    I agree wholeheartedly … Long Kiss Goodnight is gold.

    • lokifire said,

      Yep, it’s the best Christmas movie of all.

  2. Janneke Rood said,

    I completely forgot I always played this at the DVD store where I worked around Christmas, until my boss made me turn it off because he wanted to play Home Alone or some Ben Affleck Christmas flick (I don’t remember the title. It had Christina Applegate and was terrible).

    Man, I am so gonna watch it again this Christmas. Thank you!

  3. brikhaus said,

    I love this movie! Jackson’s line, “It’s a duck not a dick.” Classic. Great review.

  4. toughchicprof said,

    I wrote my doctoral dissertation on this movie (and The Matrix, and Harold and Kumar go to White Castle). I hope my forthcoming book will bring this film the attention it deserves.

    • lokifire said,

      Well, I hope so too!
      Also, what’s your doctorate in, because they would’ve killed me at my college if I tried to do a dissertation on any movies?
      … Wait, that started out as a question, then turned into a statement. Ugh.

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