So you think you’re dating Wolverine: A modern teen’s guide

January 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.

But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?

By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.

1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?

But not too short and hairy.

If he's THIS short and hairy, then you're dating A wolverine, not Wolverine.

2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?

Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?

And what's wrong with those guys?

3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?

Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?

Oh, and she almost destroyed the universe or something?

4.  Does he suffer from amnesia?

Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?

If it's anterograde amnesia, then you're probably dating this guy.

5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?

“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”

"I could just use a little privacy right now, OK?"

6. Does he have a mutant healing power?

Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?

There's only one thing more awesome than Elijah Snow, and we already know that's Sherlock Holmes.

7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?

“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”

"Look, can't I just promise not to murder anybody and you'll let me get on the plane?"

8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?

Wolverine dated Storm, right?

Or hooked up with her that one time when they both got really drunk?

9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?

Everybody loves Wolverine.

He's the best at what he does, and what he does is sell comic books.

10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?

Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?

Seriously, though, it's a tragic weakness.

If all these things and more are true, then you’re probably dating Wolverine. Or the guy from Memento. Whichever.
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