What this blog needs is more bleached blondes

January 19, 2012 at 12:02 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

… And fake boobs!

Which is why, today, we’re wondering: What became of Pamela Anderson (occasionally Lee)?

IMDb shares this bit of "trivia" about Pamela Anderson: She was born a brunette. Duh, IMDb. Duh.

Of course, first we have to find out what started Pamela Anderson (sometimes Lee).

(Why? Because I said so, that’s why.)

Pamela Anderson was born as Pamela Anderson, which makes sense, because who changes their name to Pamela Anderson? Anyway, she was born Canadian and lived Canadian for as many as 21 years before being discovered at some sort of sports event. I’d say hockey, since it’s Canada, but Wikipedia says she was taken down to the “field” after being shown on the stadium television, and I don’t think hockey has fields. So maybe baseball or Non-American football or something. Or lacrosse. Lacrosse has fields, possibly.

But the point isn’t what sporting event she was discovered at, the point is that she was discovered. Discovered like a pretty girl in a tight shirt.

Yup, just like that.

Thus began her modeling career. She posed for Playboy, and was Playmate of the month and then decided to get breast implants, like why bother at that point, though, right? But bother she did. And it was apparently the kick in the rear that her career needed, as she scored a role on Home Improvement in the early ’90s as the Tool Time Girl, and, no, I never watched that show, so I don’t know what that means. But I’m sure it’s wonderful and wasn’t demeaning at all.

Eh, everybody's gotta eat, I guess.

After two years of tool timing, Anderson was cast in Baywatch, which was later adapted into a slow-motion movie for which she won an Oscar. Or I’m thinking of Futurama here, and you should ignore everything after the word “Baywatch.” Baywatch was famed for its believable characters, witty dialogue and thought-provoking … oh, wait, I’m thinking of Futurama again. Baywatch was best known for BOOBS! Slow motion, bouncing, jiggling, wiggling, wobbling BOOBS.

Well, boobs and the disembodied, floating head of David Hasselhoff.

(Thank God Anderson got those breast implants.)

In 1994, she earned a starring role in Raw Justice, and 1996 brought Barb Wire. Wikipedia describes Barb Wire as a thinly-veiled remake of Casablanca, and I just don’t believe that at all.

Oh, well, NOW I see the similarities.

Then, in 1998, Anderson starred in the very excellent V.I.P. (short for Valerie Iron Protection, or something like that). I loved that show. It was sheer TV brilliance, what with the foxy glasses chick, the foxy tough chick, the other foxy tough chick, Anderson as the foxy ditzy chick and also some guy who went around looking like a food addict at the best buffet ever. (I know you thought I was joking earlier, but I really did enjoy V.I.P. True confessions!)

Seriously. This show was top-frakking-notch.

In 2003, she returned to the beaches for a Baywatch movie, which I guess didn’t win any Oscars, but you’d have to ask someone from the 31st century for sure.

"Yes."

In 2004, Anderson appeared nude on the cover of Playboy, the first time she had ever been photographed nude, which confuses me, because I assumed that’s what you did when you were the centerfold, like in that J. Geils Band song. Also in 2004, Anderson wrote a book called Star and signed autographs at Wal-Mart, which actually makes a lot of sense to me, because way more people go to Wal-Mart than to bookstores. She followed it up with Star Struck, which I have also never heard of.

At some point, Anderson was married to Tommy Lee from Motley Crue and later to Kid Rock, but I don’t care about those guys, so I don’t feel like documenting the dates of those marriages. Because lazy. Unfortunately for Anderson, though, during her time with Lee, they shared needles and she contracted Hepatitis C, which is not funny at all, and is really depressing.

Moving right along, IMDb says that Anderson got her breast implants removed in 1999, but doesn’t mention when she got new ones. Also, Anderson is involved with PETA and posed nude in a store window to protest wearing fur. That sounds chilly to me.

TV credits to Anderson’s name, in addition to V.I.P. and Baywatch, include Stripperella (causing me more Futurama confusion, because I thought that was Leela’s superhero name, until I remembered that was Clobberella) and Stacked. It was about a bookstore, don’t be dirty.

Pictured here: NOT Stripperella.

Since then, she’s appeared in 2008’s Blonde and Blonder as (worst character name EVER) Dee Twiddle (and shut up, I get the Alice in Wonderland reference, and it still sucks), Superhero Movie as Invisible Girl and Hollywood & Wine in 2008. In 2010, she had a role as Female Guest in Hotel in The Commuter, and in 2011 she was in A Russell Peters Christmas Special. No, I don’t know who that is, either.

So there you go: Probably more than you ever wanted to know about Pamela Anderson (no longer Lee).

Stop complaining about the lack of images. I'm at work. They totally think I'm a porn addict now.

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5 Comments

  1. spit said,

    woah, those 2 first pictures look like the same person still, yet horribly different. fucking weird.

  2. jackie stone said,

    I understand your confusion regarding ms. Anderson’s vast array of acting roles and surgical procedures. I thoroughly enjoyed your blog. Thank you for sharing your intelligent, thought provoking insights to an important issue of our times.

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, my insights were awfully intelligent and thought-provoking, in addition to being actual insights. I am very much a genius, and I’m glad you recognize that.

      • jackie stone said,

        Of course I recognized your high intelligence as it is comparable to my own. It is truly a sad thing that there are so few of us and yet we are persected and/or ridiculed so frequently.

      • lokifire said,

        Indeed, jackie stone. Indeed.

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