Darth Vader vs. Cmdr. William Adama

January 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

Like their sons (er, spoiler alert, I guess) before them, it’s time for these two to face off in battle. A fictional character battle.

"Seriously, though, you guys do all know I'm Luke's father, right?"

Darth Vader is …. You know what? If you don’t know who Darth Vader is, I’d like to welcome you to the future and find out more about the time machine you built in Victorian England. If you haven’t got a time machine from the Victorian era, then you know who Darth Vader is.

Actually, that looks like Elizabethan-era handiwork.

Cmdr. William Adam is actually Admiral (I don’t know the abbreviation for that, how silly of me, right?) William Adama, but I totally got used to calling him Cmdr. Adama after the first season and a half of Battlestar Galactica, so Cmdr. Adama it is. Anyway, Cmdr. Adam is in Battlestar Galactica, and is far superior to his son, Lee “Apollo” Adama, in every way that counts except for the glory of his chest.

Anyway, on to the battle!

Physicality. Darth Vader is a hideously disfigured monster who goes around in one of the most iconic bad guy suits of all bad guy suits. Cmdr. Adama isn’t really hideously disfigured, but he has got that craggy face, soooo…. Winner? Let’s go with “tossup” on this one.

Yeah, I would definitely describe that face as "craggy."

Sounds like James Earl Jones? Darth Vader sounds a lot like James Earl Jones. As we all wish we did! Winner? Darth Vadar.

Sounds like Edward James Olmos? Cmdr. Adama not only sounds like Edward James Olmos, he looks like him too! Winner? Cmdr. Adama.

Commands an awesome interstellar battlestar of some kind? Cmdr. Adama, coincidently enough, is called such because he commands an interstellar battlestar known as the Galactica. So, yes, he definitely commands an awesome interstellar battlestar of some kind. Darth Vader is often seen on some kind of a space station known as a “death star,” which is even scarier sounding than battlestar, even though they’d both wreck your shit up but good. Also, he kind of second-in-commands it, but I think that’s close enough. Winner? It’s a tie.

OK, it's more of a space STATION than a traveling space SHIP, but it's still planet-explodingly terrifying.

Has the power to kill you with his mind? Darth Vader harnasses the power of the dark side of the force, being an evil Sith lord and all, and totally kills people with his mind, like, for pointing out he left his evil zipper down or something. Cmdr. Adama is very intimidating and probably causes people to wet themselves in sheer terror, but he doesn’t actually kill anybody with his mind. Winner? Darth Vader.

"Sure, it might be more satisfying to use my hands, but then I'd risk getting your internal fluids all over me."

Has a lightsaber? Darth Vader has a lightsaber. Winner? Darth Vader.

Lightsabers: Because, sometimes, killing people with your mind just doesn't cut it.

Has a scarier boss? Darth Vader’s boss is The Emperor, a guy who has the power to shoot lightning bolts from his fingers and look really, really ugly despite not being thrown in a volcano. He’s pretty scary. But Cmdr. Adama’s boss is Admiral Helena Cain, commander of the Battlestar Pegasus, one of the scariest ladies in the whole 13 colonies. She’s seriously scary! She makes President Roslin look like a cuddly little bunny rabbit, I swear. Scary! Anyway, thank God she’s dead. Winner? Cmdr. Adama.

"Sure, I could kill you with my bare hands, but it's more fun to use this teeny-tiny wee little knife."

Once leapt a Battlestar into a planet’s atmosphere, just to create an ominous portent of doom? OK, and also to rescue the survivors of humanity who had been captured by the Cylons. Winner? Obviously, it’s Cmdr. William “Bad. Ass.” Adama.

Speaking of Cylons, faced two generations of Cylons and won? Man, these last two categories aren’t even fair to poor old Vader. On the other hand, there’s no lightsabers in BSG, so whatever. On the other other hand, I wouldn’t call what happened at the end of Battlestar Galactica winning, per se, so…. Winner? Ha! I’m just kidding. Of course it’s Cmdr. Adama.

Meet the new Cylons, slightly different than the old Cylons.

Has a tragic love? Before Darth Vader became Darth Vader, he was Anakin Skywalker, a character that I never knew would bore me until I saw the prequels. And during that (incredibly boring) time, he met and fell in love with Natalie Portman, because, really, who wouldn’t? She died giving birth to their twins or something, in the prequel that I managed not to watch, leaving some of my fond childhood memories of Star Wars mostly intact. So that’s pretty tragic. But! Cmdr. Adama falls in love with President Laura Roslin, who is dying of cancer and also most of humanity has been killed. Tragic to the utmost! Also, they have a theme song that’s really, really beautiful. Winner? Cmdr. Adama.

Remember that time they got wasted together and giggled a lot? That was so romantic!

Has a hotter son? I’m sorry, Mark Hamill, but have you seen Apollo? Winner? Cmdr. Adama.

Man, he cleans up good too.

Overall winner? Wow! It looks like it’s Cmdr. William Adama in a stunning upset. I mean, I really thought Darth Vader would take this through sheer nostalgia alone. Really! I had no idea that I secretly liked Commander William Adama much better.

It's a good thing we didn't get Col. Saul "Motherfrakking" Tigh up in here, or Vader would've just been TROUNCED.

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3 Comments

  1. Tommy Maverick said,

    Adama frakkin rocks! He’s amazing. I love BSG. haha Darth Vader is really cool… I wonder how Viper Pilots and the Galactica crew would do against their Star Wars counterparts! haha

    I always see battles that show off Galactica vs Enterprise, but never anything out of Star Wars.

  2. Jamin said,

    *squeeeee* Yay, another Fictional Character Battle that has me squealing like a little girl, despite being totally manly and not at all like a little girl aside from my tendency to squeal in delight when i geek out about stuff like this. Anyway… Nicely done 🙂

  3. Han Solo vs. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] like, instantaneously. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, however, works for Cmdr. William Adama, a man so awesome he’s even better than Darth Vader. Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace. Bonus points for hooking up with the boss's […]

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