Why don’t I (still) like Once Upon a Time? Or: Stop ruining Robert Carlyle, show

February 13, 2012 at 8:18 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

So, last night, rather than watching the Grammys because, like my local Burger King, they don’t realize that adding an s changes the y to an ie, and also because they are boring, I decided to give Once Upon a Time another shot.

Grammies, you bastards. GrammIES.

This was no random decision. Earlier in the week, while watching a show that I just can’t get enough of for some reason, I saw a commercial for this week’s Robert Carlyle-heavy episode of Once Upon a Time, which I shall now abbrievate as OUaT, until I forget to.

I like to pronounce it like “Out,” but with a long “ahhhh” sound in there.

“Robert Carlyle?” I said. “I love that guy. Also, nobody tell me I’ve been spelling his name wrong all along, like I do with Ian McKellan and Dan Akroyd. (Or, you know, like I just did.)” (I swear, someday I’ll get them right without googling! I love you, Ian McKellen and Dan Aykroyd! I just suck at spelling your names!)

Back on point, though: Robert Carlyle is awesome, and he’s on OUaT right now, which it turns out is really irritating to abbreviate like that, so back to spelling it out it is.

Just a superficial little note, but isn’t this picture so tasty, y’all?

Anyway, Robert Carlyleย (who is awesome) plays Rumpelstiltskin on Once Upon a Time, and this particular episode was set up in a sort of “Beauty and the Beast” little dealie, with Emilie de Ravin, who is just sooooo pretty!

Photographic proof. Soooooo pretty!

So I was like, OK, Show, if you can’t win me over with Robert Carlyle’s awesomeness and Emilie de Ravin’s prettiness, then you can’t win me over at all.

And, apparently, it can’t.

There were some good things about the show, like Jennifer Morrison wasn’t in it a lot, because every time she was in it, I was irritated by her character. Also her annoying little son only had a few minutes of screen time, so that was good.

Awwww, how boring.



They were so tight, you guys. Oh, God, *sob*, they were so tight.

Also, the show was predictable and a bit boring, and why did Emilie de Ravin fall in love with Rumpelstiltskin anyway? Because he didn’t let her fall on the ground that one time?

Eh, it’s probably because he’s Robert Carlyle.

Also, did the directors tell everybody to be so campy just because they’re fairy tale characters? Ughhhh, and why with the “Girls Night Out” storyline?

So, yeah, Once Upon a Time did not redeem itself in my eyes and, also, I can’t stop thinking about Robert Carlyle in leather pants.

Like, how many people did it take to cram him in those things? Did he get butt sweat? I don’t want to think about Robert Carlyle and butt sweat. Damn you, show!



  1. Brendy said,

    Leave his butt alone! It’s 50 years old and it’s worked hard. I was okay until you mentioned ‘the butt sweat’. It’s like telling children there’s no santa clause or tooth fairy. You have burned it into my mind. No big watery puppy dog eyes, no impish grin, just butt sweat. Thanks, :p

    • lokifire said,

      I haven’t got a problem with Robert Carlyle’s 50-year-old ass, except when it’s jammed into leather pants that are far too tight.
      It’s Once Upon a Time’s fault, I tell you!

  2. Geri Walton said,

    Oh good grief, get over it. I like Robert Carlyle. No matter what he wears…He plays the character to perfection. Watch Once Upon a Time because it is fun, clever and to see him!! Just enjoy it or shut-up and don’t watch it, okay?!!

    • lokifire said,

      I did stop watching it after this episode, but thanks for being a dumb shit.

  3. Nimue s mommy said,

    This was so funny omg ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Robert is hot in those pants !! Cmon!
    Hey you should write about Chris Meloni . Or bob odenkirk . Both friends of mine but too funny ๐Ÿ˜‚ you rock !

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