Sherlock Holmes vs. Batman

March 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

Why, you ask?

Because I’m really running out of fictional characters that I’m familiar with to vie off against each other.

Also, because Batman and Sherlock Holmes are awesome.

Eh, I still prefer the Planetary crossover.

Now shut up or make fictional character battle suggestions in the comments.

Battle on!

Physicality. Sherlock Holmes is a tall, thin, somewhat homely fellow, except for when he’s portrayed by Robert Downey Jr., who doesn’t seem that tall (and totally isn’t, according to IMdB) or when he’s portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch, who is tall and super good-looking and perfect and I wuv him! (Wait, what was my point here?) Right, right. Batman is tall, dark and Bruce Wayne-y, and sometimes looks like Christian Bale, who is the epitome of masculine beauty. Winner? This, my dear friends, would be a tie except see the bit about Benedict Cumberbatch above, whom I love as much as a crazed fangirl can love a man who portrays her favorite fictional detective ever. Sherlock Holmes.

Good news, Mr. Cumberbatch! London is much too far away for me to actually stalk you.

Better detecting abilities? Batman is the best detective in the whole DC universe. Like, what, his only competition is the Elongated Man, anyway. Sherlock Holmes is the best fictional detective of all time, ever, I don’t care what you mystery readers say, he always wins. Which means: Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

I just enjoy this picture very much is all.

Better arse-kicking abilities? Sherlock Holmes is a cerebral sort of guy. Not that he’s not willing to pugilize (shut up, I’m making new words) a few ne’er-do-wells here and there, or bend a few iron pokers or what have you, but he’s more than happy to sit back and armchair detect if that’s all it requires. Batman, on the other hand, will hurt you so bad that 20 years ago, your momma feels a sharp pain. Winner? Batman.

Also, once he beat up Superman.

More iconic costume? I know everyone immediately thought of the bat-nipples, and I want you to know that’s OK and I forgive you. Bat-nipples aside, the Bat costume sure is iconic. Although, toss on a trench coat, deerstalker cap and smoke a pipe, and everybody knows who you are at Halloween. Winner? Batman, by a bat-nipple.

Whoo, boy! Now that's what I call iconic.

More faithful sidekick? Batman’s faithful sidekick is Robin, except that Robin isn’t always the same person, and sometimes is a girl and sometimes gets killed and then brought back from the dead and then I don’t even know what. On the other hand, Sherlock Holmes’ faithful sidekick of lo these many years is, and always will be, Dr. John Watson, the faithfullest sidekick to ever kick. Sides. Whatever. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Lately, I've had a bit of a crush on Martin Freeman. Sure, it pales in comparison to my crush on Benedict Cumberbatch, but the light of the sun pales in comparison to that, so there you go.

Cooler means of transportation? Does the word Batmobile mean anything to you? And, if not, you need to mainline some DC comics, stat! Winner? Batman.

Once, my daughter got her picture taken in a Batmobile replica, because I am the best mom ever.

Is a rational, reasonably functioning human being? Ha ha ha ha, question I came up with, you make me laugh. One guy dresses up as a bat to fight crime. The other is Sherlock Holmes. On a scale of 1 to rational human being, these guys are 1/10 of a percent short of being the Joker.

Speaking of the Joker, who has a more deadly arch-nemesis? No matter how much Sir Arthur Conan Doyle tried to play up Moriarty, he really hadn’t made that much of a splash in the Holmesian London scene prior to The Final Problem. On the other hand, the Joker murders people like serial killing is going out of style. Winner? Batman.

Now I feel bad, because Heath Ledger is dead.

Holy crap, could Batman take this thing? Ha, you’d like to think so, wouldn’t  you?

Hasn’t been ruined by Kevin Smith retroactively destroying everything good about Batman: Year One? I’ll never forgive you for that, Kevin Smith, you rat bastard. The goddamned Batman doesn’t wet himself. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

I curse thee so hard that, years from now, your progeny will still feel the effects. Provided you have any progeny, because I'm too angry at you to find out.

Doesn’t have to be in dark and brooding movies to be awesome? Only on an excellent BBC series, amiright??? Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Now you’re just stacking the questions. I am, at that.

Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, by a slightly biased nose. That’s my nose. Biased. Right there. Biased. Whooooo! Go, Sherlock Holmes!

Also Benedict Cumberbatch. Go, Benedict Cumberbatch! Whoooo! ... Maybe my mom is right. Maybe I do need a real boyfriend.

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11 Comments

  1. mnhanson said,

    It’s good to find someone else who’s as obsessed with the new Sherlock series as I am. You can have Benedict – I’ll take Freeman. Drool.

    • lokifire said,

      Oooh, and then we can double date! That seems totally likely, right?

  2. Scott Monty said,

    Ah, yes – the Original Caped Crusader. Glad to see Holmes take his rightful spot. 🙂

    • lokifire said,

      It’s like I always say: Sherlock Holmes wins at everything.

  3. Jamin said,

    “Ha ha ha ha, question I came up with, you make me laugh.” That may be the most hilarious thing you’ve ever written that i have subsequently read. I laughed mightily.

    And, on a slightly more obnoxious note (sorry!), you used the wrong “two/too/to” in the caption under the first picture of Benedict Cumberbatch. Terribly sorry to point that out to you 😦

    • lokifire said,

      Dammit, I was in a rush to finish this post because they were going to let me leave work early, and the damn apprentice kept talking to me, so I couldn’t screw around at maximum capacity! (Also proofread.)
      But I’m fixing it now, so future generations, please ignore this comment!

  4. buddy2blogger said,

    Excellent comparison of 2 legendary characters!

    Batman is great, but even he has to cede the throne to Sherlock Holmes. Totally agree with you there 🙂

    Have you seen the Russian adaptation with Vasily Livanov as Sherlock Holmes..

    Cheers!

    • lokifire said,

      Thanks for the heads-up on the Russian adaptation. I’m adding it to my list of things to see when I finally have a Netflix account.

  5. brandon said,

    Any of the robins would destroy watson, especially Damian. They’re just too bad ass.

    • lokifire said,

      Pshaw! Pshaw, I say!
      Watson is a trained soldier and the Robins wear hotpants!

  6. aonlyfanathicofveryfandomaliasxxsakura said,

    Forgot Sherlock, to lower the original, wise boxing, sword fight, among other …

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