So you think you’re dating Ogami Itto: A modern teen’s guide

April 3, 2012 at 11:44 am (Top Ten) (, , )

Everyone likes your new boyfriend.

“He’s a big improvement over that Egyptian mummy you were dating,” they say.

But what they don’t know is that your boyfriend is actually the assassin known as Lone Wolf and Cub: Ogami Itto. Or is he?

No, he totally is.

Look! Photographic evidence! That's your boyfriend, right?

Here’s a list that proves it:

1. Your new boyfriend is a samurai — more specifically, he’s actually a ronin.

You know who used to be a samurai but then became a ronin? Ogami Itto! Ogami Itto did that very thing I said!

2. And not only is he a ronin (a.k.a. a masterless samurai, for those of you who aren’t quite as obsessed with Japanese culture as the rest of us), he’s a skilled assassin!

My goodness! Your boyfriend is also a skilled assassin. What a coincidence! Except not, because your boyfriend is probably Ogami Itto!

Hell, your boyfriend is almost certainly Ogami Itto.

3. Also, he’s got this cute little kid that tags along everywhere with him.

And he goes by Ogami Daigoro (because in Japan, last names come first), and omigod, he is the cutest little kid ever, but don’t get on his bad side, because, seriously, he’ll cut you.

Cut, impale. Same difference.

4. Not only is your new boyfriend a ronin, an assassin and a father, he’s also on the demon’s path of revenge (meifumado, as it’s known to the samurai) to avenge his wife’s murder and the sullying of his family name.

Kind of hard to believe he manages to find the time for dating with all that going on his life, you know?

For a girl like you, he'll MAKE the time.

5. Sometimes he talks about his mortal enemies, the Yagyu, and how it’s a shame they couldn’t have remained noble samurai.

Because he’s a noble samurai, even with all the killing for money.

Seriously, it's some kind of crazy bushido honor thing.

6. Your biggest competitors for your boyfriend’s love are prostitutes and thieves.

For some reason, those ladies are just crazy for Ogami Itto.

7. When you go out on dates, you’re often targeted for murder by covert forces, such as ninja or other ronin or bounty hunters.

Probably not Boba Fett, though. Unless you’re in some sort of awesome crossover universe, in which case, can I come visit you there?

I know people tend to overuse this phrase, but I really do think this would be the best of both possible worlds.

8. Also, he always brings his sword everywhere with him, because his sword is his samurai soul.

Yup, sounds like Ogami Itto all right.

9. Does he hardly ever get killed, except when his enemies resort to underhanded tactics?

And then he totally does get killed? And then you cry a little bit because it was so sad?

OK, maybe you actually cried a lot.

10. And, finally, is your boyfriend about to get ruined by a Hollywood movie?

“But why would Hollywood ruin a classic samurai epic?” you wonder. “What could possibly be in it for them?”

Because Hollywood won't rest until we truly believe that Tom Cruise WAS the Last Samurai, that's why.

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5 Comments

  1. dangerousmeredith said,

    I hope you don’t mind, but I posted a link to this blog on the Heroic Sisterhood facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/#!/HeroicSisterhood

    If you are on facebook, and ever write anything related to Asian action cinema link it to this page – it will always find a happy home there

    • lokifire said,

      Cool beans. Thanks!

  2. dangerousmeredith said,

  3. Yen said,

    In “The Last Samurai” the word samurai is plural. I don’t think you know that and actually Tom Cruise did a really well job.

    • lokifire said,

      Actually, I do know there is no “s” in Japanese, but thanks for pointing that out anyway. Even if your judgment is suspect, because you’re obviously a Cruise fan.

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