Han Solo vs. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace

April 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

Two cocky space rogues enter a bar.

One shoots first.

Because badass, that's why.

But seriously, folks, please enjoy this battle between Star Wars’ Han “Han Solo” Solo and Battlestar Galactica’s Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, two of the best interstellar pilots you’re likely to run into in science fiction.

Who shall come out ahead?

Let the battle commence!

Physicality. Now there’s no arguing that Katee Sackhoff is a beautiful woman who cleans up good and has the body of an Olympic athlete, but she’s going up against a young Harrison Ford here.

Definitely cleans up good.

A young Harrison Ford doing Han Solo cosplay. Apologies to the lovely Ms. Sackhoff, but nobody can come back from that. Winner? Han Solo.

L'il Richard voice: Good God, y'all!

More likely to murder a space-robot? Now if there’s one think Kara “Starbuck” Thrace hates, it’s Cylons. Which is robots, for those of you less nerdy than I. And if there’s one thing she enjoys, it’s murdering Cylons. It’s hard to blame her, since Cylons blowed up her home planet and keep bothering her about her special destiny and generally ruining her life and universe.

Also, thanks to those homicidal robots, she has to wear this outfit, like, all the time, when she looks so cute in a dress!

However, Han Solo runs around space with one of the most annoying robots ever made: C3PO, that robot with a hyphen in there somewhere that I can never remember (nor care) where it is. Not murderizing that robot takes the patience of Job. Or possibly Lot. Whichever one of those guys was more patient and also hung out with more robots. (Robots is in the Old Testament, right?) In conclusion, this one’s a tossup, folks. Winner? It’s a tie.

Has a cooler spaceship? I love me some Vipers, I do, but c’mon! The Millennium Falcon. The Millennium Falcon! The Millennium Falcon!! Spaceships don’t get cooler than the Millennium Falcon. It is scientifically impossible. Winner? Han Solo.

If awesome was rocket fuel, this ship would run on awesome.

Has a hotter significant other? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace enjoys playing the field, but deep down, she’s deeply in love with Lee “Apollo” Adama. Except for those times when she’s deeply in love with her husband, Samuel “I’m actually a Cylon” Anders. Han Solo’s significant other is Princess Leia, an interstellar space princess (what do you mean the “interstellar” implies the “space” bit? This is my fictional character battle, and it sounds good that way, so shut up, you!) of such magnificent hotness she had to have her breasts bound by duct tape so as to not further overexcite the males of Star Wars. On the other hand, though, have you seen Apollo and Anders? Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, because of simple math: Two hot guys > one hot princess.

I've chosen to illustrate my point with a photograph of Sam Anders about to shoot you. Because mrow, that's why.

Of course, this kiss is pretty hot too.

Fights overwhelming odds and comes out on top? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is constantly fighting overwhelming odds and coming out on top, except for that time she died, which was really sad. But then she came back! Which was kind of weird. And then she disappeared when they got to earth, because everyone was dreaming her all along. (Ha, no, seriously, I have no idea what was up with that. That part sucked.) Han Solo also fights overwhelming odds and comes out on top, except for that time he got frozen in carbonite, which was really sad, but makes for a cool Lego set. Also, he got rescued and then got to hook up with a hot princess. Winner? Han Solo.

My kingdom for this Lego set!
(My, er, Lego kingdom.)

Tries to have Gaeta executed for no reason other than sheer meanness? Luckily for Alessandro Juliani, he wasn’t old enough to be in the Star Wars movies, because he’d have probably shown up for two seconds and died. That seems to be a thing for him lately. Unfortunately for Felix Gaeta, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is the queen of grudge-holding and is none too smart, so doesn’t realize that he was actually their mole on the inside and nearly gets my boy Gaeta thrown out an airlock, through sheer stubborn assholery. In case you’re wondering, no, I haven’t forgiven her for that and, no, I never will. Winner? Go to hell, Kara. You’re a Gaeta-attempted-murdering jerk.

I can't forgive anyone who would try to harm a single hair on this man's head. I LOVE his hair.

Has a cooler weapon? Han Solo has a laser gun. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace has a regular gun. Also, their spaceships can shoot, I don’t know, also lasers? Winner? The guy with the laser gun always wins. Han Solo.

Has a cooler boss? Han Solo is subordinate to no man. Hell, even when he joins the resistance, he becomes a general, like, instantaneously. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, however, works for Cmdr. William Adama, a man so awesome he’s even better than Darth Vader. Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace.

Bonus points for hooking up with the boss's son.

Either doomed or saved humanity? At various points in the Battlestar Galactica (re-imagined) saga, it is claimed that Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is either humanity’s savior or its doom. And then she dies. But she comes back, like Jesus! Except imagine Jesus is a bit of a jerk and a drunk. Also a lady. (Oh, crap, I just accidentally encouraged someone to re-imagine the life story of Jesus Christ, didn’t I?)

Please don't make this movie. Please don't make this movie.

And then they find Earth and humanity is either doomed or saved! Han Solo helps battle the evil empire, with the help of his friends the rebels, and thus saves humanity! (Or possibly dooms it, because how are all those people going to get healthcare without the government to help them, evil dictatorship or no?) Winner? Nobody!

Has a better sidekick? You’d think a guy with a name like Solo wouldn’t have a sidekick, because he’d feel compelled to live up to the solitary implications of his last name. Also, George Lucas is none too subtle at naming characters, so you’d doubly expect him to not have a sidekick. But you’d be wrong, because a sidekick he does possess! One of the most awesome sidekicks in the history of sidekickery: Chewbacca the Wookiee. I never know how many vowels that has, I swear. Does Kara “Starbuck” Thrace have a sidekick? No. No, she does not. Probably because everybody’s mad at her for trying to kill Gaeta. Winner? Han Solo.

It takes a special kind of man not to be intimidated by an 8-foot-tall hair monster.

Overall winner? In a sound trouncing, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace loses this battle against Han “Young Harrison Ford” Solo.

Doesn't help that your damn hot husband shot off Gaeta's leg, either, Starbuck.

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3 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    Best one in a while 🙂 Keep up the good work. Other assorted, generic praise.

    Seriously, though, i love it 🙂

    • lokifire said,

      “Assorted, generic praise” is totally going to be a thing I say to my daughter now.
      She’ll LOVE it!

  2. Princess Leia vs. Turanga Leela « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] a wacky series of misadventures. Well, okay, just the one misadventure, really. Winner? As with Kara Thrace before him, anybody who goes up against a young Harrison Ford is going to come up just a…. Princess […]

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