Elementary: Chucking everything good about Holmes and CBS-ing it up

April 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , , )

So, I’m sure you’ve all been waiting and wondering: “When is Lokifire going to complain about the upcoming CBS series, Elementary, which takes Sherlock Holmes and puts him in modern times?”

Elementary? You clearly mean this instead, right?

Yes, I know, it sounds really familiar, doesn’t it?

Like, someone at CBS saw that the BBC’S Sherlock was big and successful and wonderful and thought, “Hey! I can ruin that!”

While we're on the subject of CBS, I just want to say I've never liked the logo and the way it's always watching me.
And judging me.

And, you know? I can’t fault them for that. I mean, Sherlock Holmes and Watson and all their acquaintances (I was going to say friends, but Holmes only has one friend and Watson … well … also seems to have only one friend) are trapped in public domain hell, so it’s not like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can come back from the dead as some sort of malevolent zombie (is there any other kind?) and say: “Get your hands off my property! Also, braaaaains.”

Oh, and of course this is a thing, because why wouldn't it be?

So, anybody and everybody is free to do whatever they want with Sherlock Holmes. (See: Ritchie, Guy.) And if they want to set the action in the modern day, well, fine. It’s not like the BBC has a copyright on the present or anything.

And they’ve cast Sickboy as Sherlock Holmes! I totally forgot Sickboy existed after Trainspotting. (Coincidentally enough, my obsession with Irvine Welsh ended shortly thereafter as well. [I could only take so much Scottish dialect, people.]) Apparently, he was on Dexter or something, but I can’t bring myself to watch a show about a serial killer and his friends who swear a lot, so I didn’t know that. (And you don’t need to tell me how awesome and wonderful Dexter is, and how I would love it. People have told me already, and I believe them, but it’s just not for me. Thanks for the recommendation, though!) So, yeah, it’s nice that Sickboy is getting (more) work, even if I don’t really care that he is.

I do wonder if he kept this suit, though. It's pretty snazzy.

And what’s this? Watson’s a lady? How terribly clever, CBS. And modern! Because ladies can be sidekicks nowadays! Huzzah! Sadly, though, as awesome as Lucy Liu is (and she is awesome), you’ve just opened yourself up to a whole world of no gay couple jokes. People are just going to think they’re a regular couple, and that isn’t clever at all.

Although I'm almost tempted to watch it, just because she's sooooo pretty.

In fact, CBS, that sounds exactly like every other procedural drama you’ve got going on.

I mean, I assume CSI's got sexual tension in it, I don't know.

Which is why I hate you.

Because, yes, a brilliant detective solving crimes from week to week does sound like the perfect recipe for a procedural drama, and I’m sure it will be exactly that — a perfect procedural drama — which is why it’s going to suck. Because Holmes is much more than that.

He’s a damned icon. He’s the epitome of all detectives, anywhere, ever, and he deserves better than a weekly procedural on CBS.

And luckily for him, at least Britain knows how not to screw up British characters, unlike America, thankyouverymuch.

Also, I just want you to know I’m not going to complain about the title, because, although Holmes never once did say “Elementary, my dear Watson,” in any Sherlock Holmes story, he did proclaim things were “elementary,” and besides, what else were they going to call it?

Ha, ha, ha, seriously, though, then they'd get sued.


1 Comment

  1. taylor said,

    Perfect. I believe the reason they decided to make a CBS version was solely based on the popularity of Sherlock. But Benedict will always be the best Sherlock Holmes of this generation. Though I do love Jeremy Brett.

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