Jabba the Hutt vs. Tony Soprano

April 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

One’s an amorphous blob of indiscriminate evil, the other’s a hideous space alien.

Ah ha ha ha, you see what I did there?
(Seriously, though, don’t whack me, Mr. Soprano.)

Star Wars Jabba the Hutt in an epic battle against The Sopranos Tony Soprano. (By “epic,” I mean, these fictional character battles are usually longer than my other posts, kind of like epics are longer than regular novels.)

Which of these organized crime members will come out on top?

And which will be just too heavy to even bother with the climb?

Will it be the guy in the show I’ve never seen?

Who knows, right?

Off to battle!

Physicality. Jabba the Hutt is a hideous space monster thing. He’s got stubby little Tyrannosaurus arms without the powerful hind legs to propel him. Tony Soprano is played by James Gandolfini, who’s got a little something sexy going on. Winner? Tony Soprano.

Well, maybe not in this picture, per se, but he’s still better than a giant oozing slug.

Has an interstellar space vehicle? I love redundantly saying “interstellar space.” Just makes space sound cooler, y’know? Anyway, Tony Soprano lives on earth, where the only people with interstellar vessels of any sort are the governments or, if you’re a conspiracy theorist, the rich and powerful. As a Mob member, I guess Tony could be rich and powerful enough to have an interstellar space vehicle, but you’d think it would’ve come up as a plot point then. Jabba the Hutt lives in the Star Wars universe, where everybody has an interstellar space vehicle. Because there’s no point in having a space opera without spaceships, that’s why. Unfortunately for Jabba the Hut, either he hasn’t got a space vehicle of his own or he’s just too goddamned heavy to get off Tatooine, because he’s always having that rascal Han Solo do his interstellar smuggling for him. Winner? Nobody.

I love Legos. And Star Wars. And especially Star Wars Legos.

Hangs out with a more assorted gaggle of scum and other villains? Both these gentlemen (creatures?) spend their days with a gaggle of varying degrees of scum, from cops on the take to interstellar bounty hunters to whatever the hell that crazy band in Return of the Jedi was.

In the wild, the space elephant and the giant space mosquito are more commonly enemies.

However, only one of these guys has a right-hand man who’s got tentacles instead of hair. Winner? Jabba the Hutt.

Yup, I’d describe his appearance as “assorted,” all right.

Was betrayed by a close compatriot? If you count being infiltrated by the Rebels and having your right-hand man getting his brains all Jedi’d, then, yes, Jabba the Hutt was betrayed by a close compatriot. However, if you count that, you’re wrong, because that doesn’t match up with the definition of “close compatriot” at all. Tony Soprano, on the other hand, had all sorts of close buddies go running to the Feds, including the hilariously named “Big Pussy,” a moniker that would get you all sorts of bullied if people didn’t know who your friends were. Winner? Tony Soprano.

You know, your buddies who later murdered you and dumped your body in the river.

Got to hang out with Leia Organa in a slave outfit? Jabba the Hutt has quite the eclectic taste in ladies. Winner? Jabba.

It’s just that you wouldn’t expect a giant slug-monster to be into the human ladies, you know?

Is more evil? Now this one’s a toughie. Jabba the Hutt is pretty evil, what with the feeding everybody to the Rancor and Sarlacc. But he never straight-up murders his troubled, drug-addicted nephew (as far as I know. Don’t get all expanded universe-y on me, here). Winner? Tony Soprano.

Faces cooler foes? Tony Soprano only ever has to worry about the Feds, other Mob members and his wife. Jabba the Hutt gets his ass handed to him by everyone’s favorite heroes: Han, Lando and Whatsisname.

I have this disease where I can’t remember the names of people with hair that feathery.

Winner? Jabba the Hutt.

Sees a psychiatrist? Or maybe it’s a psychologist, I don’t know. I already told you, I’ve never seen the show. (Stop recommending it. I’ll get around to it someday.) Winner? Tony “Panic Attack” Soprano.

Dies an ignoble death? If dying an ignoble death can truly be considered a “win,” then Jabba the Hutt, strangled to death by the very chain with which he tethered the Rebel princess Leia Organa to his throne, indeed wins. Winner? Jabba the Hutt.

Maybe doesn’t die? Actually, maybe I won’t get around to watching The Sopranos, if the ending is as irritating as I’ve been led to believe. Did Tony get to enjoy his meal with his family? Or was he shot dead in his, you know, prime or whatever? No one will ever know! Winner? Tony Soprano.

I meant his OTHER family.

Is unaffected by Jedi mind powers? Hey, you know who’s unaffected by Jedi mind powers? Jabba the Hutt is unaffected by Jedi mind powers! Winner? Jabba the Hutt.

The tie-breaking question, because I’m running out of things I know about Tony Soprano: Has a better wardrobe? Tony Soprano’s wardrobe runs the gamut of stereotypical Mafioso style, from velour track suits to Hawaiian shirts to fancy silk suits. Jabba the Hutt sits around naked all the day long. Begging the question: Where the hell are his genitals? Winner? Tony Soprano.

Ha, ha, yes, you are absolutely welcome.

Overall winner? In a shocking turn of events, Anthony “Tony” Soprano takes this one.

“What the hell? Have you seen this Halloween costume? I call for a rematch!” — the blogger


1 Comment

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