Dear Daniel Grayson (from TV’s Revenge),
I know that you’re already engaged and all, but I want you to know that I love you much more than your fiancee will ever do.
There are several reasons I believe this, and they are as follows:
First off: I’m not actively seeking revenge against your family for the horrible crimes they have committed against my father. Any horrible crimes committed against my father are surely a result of his own somewhat evil nature and, thus, are entirely deserved. Also, I don’t think your parents know my father, because they’re fictional and he’s not. I mean, at least according to what my mom tells me.
Secondly: While Emily Thorne (and is that even her real name? Actually, it’s not, but you don’t know that. Or didn’t, until you read this love letter, I guess) has buckets of her own money and doesn’t need to marry into wealth, I have no money of my own and definitely wouldn’t mind marrying into wealth. Especially your wealth, ya big lug!
Thirdly: You’ve noticed she has feelings for her old crush from when she was a kid, right? Well, my crush from when I was a kid is a used car salesman, and hasn’t gotten any taller since the fifth grade (errr … not that that’s a dig at your own height issues, of course. Thanks to your excessive wealth and charm, I’m quite willing to overlook your shrimpiness [suspiciously enough, your IMDb page doesn’t even mention your height, so I can only assume you are teeny]), so I’ve got no feelings for him. None! Heck, I can barely remember that guy’s name! Mr. Former-crush-now-car-salesman or something, I think.
Fourth of all: You are just so cute, with the way you don’t realize how utterly evil your parents are and how your fiancee is a total con artist and the way your best friend was also a con artist who was psychotic and tried to murder you.
I mean, you’re just so trusting! That’s adorable, Daniel Grayson, and I respect it. (Respect it or “will use it against you,” either way.)
Fifthmost: I mentioned I’d be willing to marry you for your money, right?
Sixth of all: Even though the murder charges against you have been dropped, you’re still a bit of a pariah in the social world of the Hamptons, which is great, because then we could just hang out at your place and play video games all day and not worry about all that schmoozing and revenging that your current fiancee would like to be up to.
So, there you go, Daniel Grayson. A mostly coherent list about why I love you more than your current, eviiiiiil fiancee who is totally using you for her own ends. Please consider my bid to be your betrothed.