No, really, Poe deserves it

April 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

So a lot of Edgar Allen Poe reviewers have been giving John Cusack guff (what? It’s a thing my mom says, all right? I’m channeling my mom) for the new film, The Raven, wherein Cusack plays a Poe who must find a killer who’s using his stories as inspiration.

Because every movie needs a serial killer, that's why.

Poe deserves better,” they say.

Well, they’re wrong.

Poe deserves every horrible movie ever made about him.

After all, he created all the nightmares of our young adult lives: The Tell-Tale Heart.

I can hear the beating of his hideous heart or whatever!

The Cask of Amontillado. (On a related note, I somehow managed to spell Amontillado correctly on the first try. I just want everyone to know that.)

It's kind of unexpected, considering how hard I try to block the whole story from my mind what with the getting buried alive aspect of it.

The Masque of the Red Death!

It held sway over all! Over all, I tell you!

The Raven!

Well, I do admit this Simpsons episode was more hilarious than terrifying, but still.

After reading the book your well-intentioned aunt gave you in the third grade, you never slept again.

And those night terrors, my friends, are why Poe deserves to have bad movies made about him. I know it’s a daring stance, but I’m taking it.

And so, to stick it to Edgar Allen Poe even more, I shan't be seeing this movie.
Also, it looks bad.

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