Satan has a place reserved for thee!

May 1, 2012 at 11:38 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now, Top Ten)

Now, some sins aren’t even, well, “sins,” per se, but they’re still very annoying, and almost assuredly there’s a special spot in hell for people who do these things.

Here’s a list of 10 things that make me hope you spend at least a few months of your eternity suffering for your transgressions:

1. People who don’t pull over for ambulances. This. Pisses. Me. Off. So. Much. Like, where could you possibly be going that is more important than the people who are trying to save someone’s life? Pull over! You suck! I hate you!

In hell, those people discover that everyone they loved could have been saved if only some asshole would've just pulled over.

2. People who throw cigarettes out their car windows. I hate littering in general, but it really, really, really ticks me off when people throw cigarettes out their windows. Because all cars have ash trays in them, Christ. True story: I went to visit one of my friends in Whitefish, Montana, and she was working as a firefighter that summer. We were driving along, and she flicked her still-lit cigarette out the window into the very dry, dry, dry bushes. “What is that, job security?” I said. “Ha, ha, ha,” she said. We haven’t spoken since.

In hell, those people have to pick up all the cigarette litter. With their teeth.

3. People who don’t put their shopping carts away. Once, there was an old guy parked right next to the cart rack and he didn’t put his shopping cart away. As I put mine away, and put his away too, I shouted to him, “Hey, did you notice? There’s a cart rack right here? It’s right next to you!” Really, it’s a miracle nobody’s murdered me yet.

I mean, I probably kind of deserve to be killed, but not as much as people who don't put their shopping carts away.

4. People who switch lines when the sales clerk says “I can help whoever’s next,” and they aren’t next. A woman did that when there was this really, really old, fragile lady in front of her who’d been waiting much longer, and I loudly declared, “I believe this lady in front of you was next, why don’t you wait your turn?” And she ignored me, because she was a double bitch.

"What kind of horrible person would cut in line like that?" I said loudly to the store clerk.
"I don't know," she replied very quietly, trying not to get fired or punched.

5. People who think they’re better than you because your job requires you to help them. Not too long ago, one of our customers said to me, “What would you know? You’re just a receptionist.” I thought to myself: “I know you’re an asshole. That’s something.”

6. People who “correct” you when they’re actually wrong. “I think you spelled ‘interment’ wrong,” the family said to me. “Really?” I said. “Because I’ve done 50 obituaries this week alone, and you’ve only done one.” (In real life, I said it much nicer, of course.)

"I know it's hard to believe, but when you use a word dozens of times every day for over 10 years, you kind of learn how to spell it."

7. People who chew gum constantly. I understand that some people are very concerned about their breath, but when you look like a cow gnawing cud at Grandma’s funeral, it’s time to look into breath mints.

In case you're wondering, you're better off looking like the cow.

8. People who don’t say “thank you” when you hold open the door for them. I always say “You’re welcome” very loudly, and sometimes, they are shamed into saying “thank you.” Other times, I guess they are deaf-mutes.

I only forgive you if you're dressed like a flapper.

9. People who play their car stereos so loud you can feel it. Look, I know you’re really proud of your taste in music, but it is causing me physical pain.

On a related note, your taste in music sucks.

10. People who insist on driving under the speed limit until the light’s about to turn red and then they blast through it, leaving you to wait and curse them and their descendents unto their dying days.

The other Sunday, I was stuck behind a bunch of slow drivers as I was hurrying from one part-time job to another, and I thought, "You damn bunch of Sunday drivers," and then I laughed a little, and then I went back to wishing I drove a tank.



  1. Jamin said,

    Wow, it’s like we’re brain-twins! That’s a thing, probably. To go along with people who don’t pull over for emergency vehicles, I’d like to add people who block intersections blatantly. I mean, sometimes it’s hard to judge how much room you have, and how fast traffic is moving, but if traffic ahead of you is stopped dead clear back to the intersection, DON’T ENTER THE INTERSECTION! When people do that, i really wish a brigade of tanks would need to get across for an emergency. Or maybe monster trucks.

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, that drives me nuts. And then, if you don’t block the intersection, all the people in the lanes surrounding you do, so people can’t get through anyway.

      • Jamin said,

        Plus, everyone behind you honks at you for having the audacity not to break the law and be an enormous jerkass.

  2. Craig Huisenga said,

    I hope you don’t mind me saying that, between this list and your Keanu Reeves comments, I think we may be soul mates.

    • lokifire said,

      Soul mates we is, then!

  3. Kelly Boyd said,

    I’d like to add to this list:
    People who walk slowly because they’re texting and
    People who pause in groups to chat on stairwells.

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