The Avengers vs. The A-Team

May 10, 2012 at 11:18 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

So, I didn’t actually go see The Avengers last weekend. (I know. It was just me, your  little brother Timmy [who was grounded anyway] and the crazy cat lady from down the street.) But I figured they deserve to be honored for soundly trouncing box office records for an opening weekend, and so I am honoring them, as such, by having them face off against another team that starts with an “A.” That team is … the A-Team.

Together, they harness the power of the letter “A” to … something.

Here’s The Avengers, in case you live in a cave or whatever.

(Yes, I know you can read and, thus, knew that from the post title, but I put a lot of thought into this intro, so please be patient.)

Speaking of intros, the Avengers are self-explanatory, because you all went to see their movie last weekend (unless you didn’t, in which case, hi, Crazy Cat Lady!), but for those of who who a) don’t remember the ’80s; b) didn’t exist in the ’80s; c) I hate you, get off my lawn, the A-Team (which was also a [less successful] movie recently) was a team comprised of Hannibal, Mr. T and some other guys, who went around helping people on the sly after being accused of a crime they didn’t commit. (In the ’80s, people were always getting accused of crimes they didn’t commit. It was a whole thing.)

On to the battle!

Physicality. The Avengers are comprised of Iron Man, The (Incredible) Hulk, Thor, Captain America and that chick in a leather suit. Oh, and I guess Hawkeye, the one I forgot about because they didn’t make a movie about him first and also, who remembers the guy without superpowers?

Yes, I know YOU saw the movie, but you probably forgot he existed too, so here’s this image of him as a reminder.

Anyway, they’re all very attractive people, because nobody makes a summer blockbuster about average-looking people. That would be crazy. The A-Team, as previously mentioned, features Mr. T (not the character’s name, but does anybody remember the character’s name?), Murdock (who’s kind of goofy-looking), a white fox named Hannibal Smith and a guy so ’80s-style hot his nickname was “Face.” Winners? I can’t help but notice The Avengers are all very whitebread, which I guess I should expect for a team made up of Norse gods and American Nazi-fighting supermen, so I feel like I should give this win to the A-Team for being more ethnically diverse, at least, but then I look at Chris Evans and I go “guhhhhhhhhh” because have you seen that man? So, to reiterate: Winners? The Avengers.

He’s so hot, they have to cover up part of his face, lest we burn our eyes like staring directly into the beauty of the sun.

Now I want to watch Sunshine again.

Has superpowers? The A-Team doesn’t have superpowers, unless you count the power to make things and people explode without actually getting killed good and dead or even hurt very badly. (God bless the ’80s and its magnificent explosions.) The Avengers does have superpowers, except for Hawkeye, who just has good aim; Black Widow, who only needs to look good in leather; and Tony Stark, who has a super-powered suit. Still, they do have Thor, who is a Marvel-ized version of a Norse god; The (Incredible) Hulk, who has the superpower of being a hideous monster; and Captain America, who has the superpower of getting injected with some sort of serum that gives you … eh … superpowers. That’s more than the A-Team has, superpowerwise, for sure. Winners? The Avengers.

Wow, check out the superpowers on those guys.

To be fair here, has Mr. T? I pity the team that doesn’t get to hang with Mr. T. Winners? The A-Team.

I have only respect for Mr. T.
Well, maybe a little nostalgia too.

To be even more fair, managed to avoid the fate of having to deal with an “actress”? The A-Team was supposed to feature Tia Carrere as a member of the team in later seasons, but she was under contract to some soap opera or another, so they dodged that bullet. The Avengers have Scarlet Johansson on their team, who portrays a Russian about as convincingly as I do. Winners? The A-Team.

In every promo shot, she’s making this exact expression, which I guess indicates determination or perhaps assassinary? (Not a word?)

Fights a more evil foe? To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure who The Avengers are supposed to be fighting. Aliens? Loki? Nazis? I do know that the A-Team was on the run from the American military (for that crime they didn’t commit, remember), and that a lot of people think the military is evil. Not me, though. I’m patriotic all the way. I’m even waving a tiny American flag right now. God Bless the USA!

And then, with my free hand, I took a picture of myself waving a tiny American flag and finished typing with my toes.
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Winners? Eh, the Avengers?

I hate to say this, but my namesake has really bad hair.

Has a scarier boss? The Avengers’ boss is Nick Fury, a man who’s so scary his last name is Fury and they could only cast Samuel L. Jackson, legally, to play him. He’s just that scary. The A-Team is usually bossed around by Hannibal, but sometimes they work under a mean old general. Unfortunately for them in this here category, that mean old general was not played by Samuel L. Jackson. Probably because he was, like, 12 or something. Winners? The Avengers.

See, he’s all smiley here, but that’s only because the happy thoughts he’s thinking are about disemboweling you.

Met Boy George? Shut up, you kids, and enjoy this link to Karma Chameleon. At any rate, The Avengers did not meet Boy George, unless he has a cameo in the movie that no one mentioned. The A-Team did. Also, they got to meet Hulk Hogan. Winners? The A-Team.

Met Stan Lee? It’s a Marvel movie, of course they did. Winners? The Avengers.

Would be awesome as a team of little people? Actually, The Avengers would be pretty awesome as a team of little people, as would every team, except possibly basketball teams, I suppose. However, only the A-Team has photographic evidence of exactly how awesome they would be as a team of little people. Winners? The A-Team. Also, the Internet.

I really want this television series to happen.

Overall winners? Yes, despite me choosing the A-Team precisely so I had an excuse to re-use that awesome photo, they are no match for the awesome might of The Avengers. I mean, those guys beat Harry Potter and stuff! Winners? The Avengers.

Avenge, you guys! Avenge like the wind!



  1. Jamin said,

    I think Mr. T’s character was B.A. (presumably for “Bad Ass”) Barakas, or something. Pretty sure i spelled the last name wrong. Or was B.A. Bwhatever the character he played in a Rocky film? (He was in a Rocky film, wasn’t he?)

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, it’s B.A. Baracus. I guess someone did know that.
      And he was Clubber Lang in Rocky III, which actually sounds like it should be some sort of Bond girl name.

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