So you think you’re dating Keanu Reeves: A modern teen’s guide

May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm (Top Ten) (, , )

So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!

(But probably not!)

Let’s find out anyway:

1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden  (yet attractive) actor?

Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.

Lift weights or take acting classes? Lift weights or take acting classes?

2. Does he ever smile?

I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.

Happy?

3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?

Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.

Wow, he really does look like King Mob.

Well, it’s not like Hollywood ever gets “pasty” and “British” right, anyway.

4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?

And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?

Mmmm, trench coat-y.

5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?

“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”

6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?

Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?

Because Spike is the best, that’s why.

7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?

“I’m an actor,” he replied.

Acting!

8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.

“What are you, a film critic?” he said.

9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”

“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.

10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”

You’re blackmailing someone, right?

So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.

Awwww, sad Keanu.

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9 Comments

  1. Alton said,

    I like keanu, stop the hatespeech

    • lokifire said,

      I like proper capitalization, spelling and punctuation, so I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

  2. cindysmith said,

    We love Keanu. Go away haters.

    • lokifire said,

      Now, now, cindysmith, this is my blog, and only I get to tell the haters to go away. But I won’t, so they’re welcome.

  3. Tirado Theresa said,

    I luv Keanu as an actor as well so ev.1 needs to stop hating ! Unless you know the person personally keep all negative thought to yourselves . Keanu your 1 of my Favorite actor’s head up !

  4. Dee said,

    Have to agree with you on Channing Tatum and Keanu Reeves. I haven’t seen anything with Tatum that I like. Reeves was okay in the “Matrix” and “Speed,” but his Don Juan in Kenneth Branagh’s “Much Ado About Nothing” made me want to poke my eyes out. I think E! even declared it one of the 50 biggest celebrity “oops.”

    • lokifire said,

      I know! It’s sad, ’cause they’re both soooo pretty.

  5. IBeHatin said,

    Hey! Let’s all hate on Keanu Reeves because he doesn’t know how to act! That will make us all sound soooo cool!

    *tries to say something funny yet offensive and original at the same time* Oh um… uh… Keanu can’t act… he, uh… he is a “wooden” actor!

    Oh yeah! I feel like such bad ass now, thanks!

    • lokifire said,

      I’m glad you feel like a badass. Good for you! You seem like a very interesting and clever person, so it’s good for you to feel … things.

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