So you’re about to be killed by an Alien: A modern teen’s guide

July 3, 2012 at 5:04 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

Recently, you’ve found yourself in the position of imminent death by alien. But maybe there’s hope! (There’s probably not hope.) Anyway, here’s a list of ways to be certain you’re about to be killed in a truly gruesome way.

1. Are you a crew member aboard an interstellar ship of some sort?

Or maybe you’re a marine from the future, or a criminal on a prison planet or whatever the fourth movie was about.

The first one was the best one. The first one’s always the best one.

2. Is there an android aboard with its own shady agenda?

Have you got the Ian Holm model or the Michael Fassbender model on board? I mean, either way you’re toast, but one of the androids is Michael Fassbender.

Ian Holm is a very talented man, but he doesn’t look like Michael Fassbender.

3. Is your name Ellen Ripley?

It’s not, you say? Well … that’s a shame.

What? No, I just mean it’s a great name and all ….
Yes, you’re toast.

4.Did your idiot crew mate Kane run off and get some sort of hideous monster with acid for blood attached to his face?

And then did the rest of you morons bring him on board instead of being all, “It was nice knowing you, Kane! Enjoy being an alien incubator! Rest in peace!”

Well, gosh, I don’t see how this could go horribly wrong and end up with everyone on board dying a horrible death or anything.

5. Then, after your idiot crew mate Kane seemed to recover from having a hideous monster stuck to his face, did none of the rest of you think maybe it didn’t just fall off and die?

It’s called “Survival of the Fittest,” for a reason, you guys.

Is it just me, or does the coconut crab look awfully like a facehugger?

6. After your unfortunate crew mate Kane succumbed to the injuries of having birthed a hideous space monster out of his chest, did you decide to hold a makeshift memorial for him rather than killing the creature while it was still relatively harmless?

It’s nice to honor your crew mates, but Kane would’ve wanted you to avenge his death first.

7. Are you working for the Weyland-Yutani Company, which puts profits before the safety of its employees?

You’ll know for sure if you intercept a message to the evil android on board that declares “Crew is expendable.”

Hint: It’s because we fill them with killer aliens.

8. Is your ridiculously outdated (despite being from the future) technology no use against the terror that is stalking you?

I mean, how can you travel through space and have computers on board that look like Atari systems?

9. You’re absolutely sure your name’s not Ellen Ripley?

Yeah, the aliens get her in the end too, but her life expectancy is a tad longer than everybody else’s. Also, she gets cloned!

Which somehow makes her even more badass!

10. In space, can anyone hear you scream?

No. No they cannot.

Ha, ha.
But seriously.
You’re so dead.



  1. Jamin said,

    Hey, I’m not about to be killed by an alien! And I’m not a teen! Double good news! đŸ˜€

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, I think I’d rather be killed by an alien than have to be a teenager again.

  2. Pat West said,

    Sorry this is off topic, but I read in the Gazette that my favorite fictional hero, Jack Reacher, from the series by Lee Child, was being played by *GACK* Tom Cruise. C’mon, Hollywood, have some sense! (And how silly of me to expect it.)

    • lokifire said,

      It’s never off-topic when you share evidence of Hollywood hating us.

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