Poyo vs. The Killer Rabbit

July 19, 2012 at 11:07 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

What we have here are two of the deadliest livestock you’re liable to meet: Chew’s Poyo, the violentest rooster ever, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s adorable Killer Rabbit.

One is likely to impale you with its razor-sharp claws. The other: to rip your throat out with its horrible teeth.

But which of these terrible monsters is the best?

On to the battle!

“Wear an apron so you don’t get blood spatter all over your clothes!” – Your Mom

Physicality. One of our competitors is a rooster. Roosters are OK looking, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing, which, ewwwww. But the other is an adorable killer bunny. An adorable killer bunny! AN ADORABLE KILLER BUNNY! Winner? The adorable killer bunny.

Awwwww! Look at the bones!

More likely to kill you stone dead? The killer rabbit from The Holy Grail seems to only attack those foolish enough to venture into its territory. Poyo the rooster, however, not only has the ability of flight, but some crazy bastard has made him into a cyborg chicken that can hit Mach 5. (And, yes, take your evil-doing head clean off your shoulders).

Just like that.

It’s a close one, but Poyo could be anywhere. Even right behind you. Right now! Gaahhhh! Winner? Poyo.

There he is! Why aren’t you fleeing????

Killed more knights/comedic actors? Boy, you know who sure killed a lot of knights/comedic actors? That killer bunny from The Holy Grail. Sure did. Yup. Winner? The killer rabbit.

Speaking of fleeing, run away! Run away!

Works for the USDA? In the world of Chew, the USDA is a much more badass organization than I suspect it is in our world. As such, this badass organization needs the baddest-ass of the badass secret agents on its payroll. That particular badass is Poyo. (I don’t know what they pay him. Corn?) Winner? Poyo.

Fought Satan and won? While his physical body was languishing in a coma, Poyo’s evil rooster soul was busy fighting the hordes of demons in hell and defeating them. I don’t know about the killer bunny, but probably not. Winner? Poyo.

Can only be defeated by a weapon delivered from God? Specifically, by the Holy Hand Grenade? Winner? The killer rabbit.

Man, that is one holy hand grenade, for sure.

Brought back from the dead stronger, like a $6 Million Man, only in fowl form? By golly, I think this oddly specific category goes to Poyo!

We can make him better. Smarter. Stronger. However that goes, whatever.

Overall winner? Poyo! The best chicken ever, except for Fluffietta, the pet chicken I had when I was a kid, and whom my cousins ate that winter.

Never forget.


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