A portrait of the director at home

August 3, 2012 at 7:55 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

So one morning, Len Wiseman sat bolt upright while eating his Wheaties and wondered aloud: “Do you know what wouldn’t be completely unnecessary?”

“Is it a Total Recall remake?” replied his wife, as she worked on more ab crunches and practiced just the right way to flip her hair.

In an earlier post, I referred to this as an ’80s film. Technically, it was released in 1990, but it still seems so quintessentially ’80s that I’m going to call dibs on Not Wrong.

“Exactly right, famed actress Kate Beckinsale, honey!” Wiseman called back to her. “I’m sure most people still enjoy the first one, what with all the action and the comedy and everybody running around pretending they could understand what Arnold Schwarzenegger said, but you know what it needs?”

“More three-breasted hookers?” — every guy, ever.

“More grit?”

So much more grit! Also, Colin Farrell.”

“His consistently vapid expression will be perfect for the role of a man who doesn’t know if he’s awake or dreaming.”

“Sounds good, sweetie!”

“I know, darling! That’s why they call me Len Wiseman!”

“Ooh, ooh, and this time, we won’t even send them to Mars because — pffft, Mars.”



  1. Jamin said,

    I also love how it’s clearly a remake of the film, rather than going straight back to the Phil Dick source material 😕 Damn you, Hollywood!

    • lokifire said,

      I’m sorry, but you appear to think Hollywood can read …?

      • Jamin said,

        You’re right, how silly of me!

      • lokifire said,

        It’s OK. I forgive you, and Hollywood doesn’t even know you made such a silly mistake since (see prior comment re: literacy).

  2. ceri said,

    What amazes me is that with all the advances in film making, no one has done a remake that’s equal to the original. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

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