So you think you’re dating a supervillain: A modern teen’s guide

September 11, 2012 at 10:32 am (Top Ten) ()

Sure, the nature of man is inherently evil. But your new boyfriend seems even more inherently evil than most. That’s because you’re probably dating a supervillain. Or maybe just a jerk. But how to be sure? By using this handy guide, of course!

1. Does your boyfriend blame others for his male-pattern baldness? Say, like, SUPERMAN?

Male pattern baldness: Leading men to evil since the dawn of the toupee.

2. When you guys have a night in, you bring the movie and the popcorn and then you meet at his lair. Some superheroes, like Batman, have a lair. Most superheroes, however, don’t call their hideouts “lairs.” Only supervillains do that.

“You know what would make your mysterious lair more cozy, sweetie? Beanbag chairs!”

3. Does your boyfriend have henchmen? The charismatic supervillain tends to be surrounded by a variety of henchmen.

The campier the better!

4. Sometimes, your boyfriend gets so excited talking about his evil plans for world domination that he gives the hero time to escape. A tragic flaw of the standard supervillain!

“Listen, honey, I don’t want to tell you how to go about your supervillainy, but have you ever considered just shooting James Bond in the head and gloating to his corpse?”

5. Say, wait a sec. Your boyfriend has evil plans for world domination? You know who doesn’t have evil plans for world domination? Joe Average that you meet at the bar. You know who does have evil plans for world domination?

In addition to having an evil plan for world domination, known supervillain Magneto also has amazing thigh strength.

6. Also, there’s this guy in a costume usually hanging about, thwarting your boyfriend, and when you ask who that guy is, your boyfriend describes him as “my nemesis.” Most people don’t have nemesises. Nemesi? What the hell is the plural of nemesis? Actually, there probably isn’t a plural because if you do go to the trouble of having a nemesis, you generally only have the one. Anyway, I forgot my point.

Maybe my point was that Nemesis is the goddess of revenge?
Probably not.

7. Does your boyfriend set up elaborate traps to capture this guy he describes as his nemesis, and then those traps inevitably fail? You know that’s because good always triumphs, right?

Things look bad for Batman now, but he’ll triumph eventually. He always does.

8. Sometimes you just want to cuddle, but your boyfriend always wants to plot against his nemesis. Yeah, that’s rough. Maybe you should get a nemesis, and do your own plotting!

I say make it Power Girl, because it’s pretty easy to hate a girl who picks this for a costume.

9. You waited for your boyfriend to call, but he never did, and then you were watching the news and there was someone on the news resembling your boyfriend talking about his plans for world domination and, also, kidnapping the mayor or something. In this scenario, I’m assuming your boyfriend’s one of those old-fashioned supervillains that doesn’t just mass murder people.

“I’m working my way up to it.”

10. Last but not least, you know your boyfriend’s a supervillain when you go to the post office and his picture’s not on the Wanted poster or the Most Wanted poster but on the Super Most Wanted Poster. Because they totally have those, and this wasn’t a lame joke to end this post on.

See? I knew they were a thing.

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2 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    You know the worst part about Power Girl? I mean besides that one? No, besides that one, too. No, not that one, either. It’s that supposedly the reason her cleavage is her insignia is that when she made her costume she couldn’t think of an emblem, so she left it open until she thought of one…
    Oh, but if you ask the average comic geek guy, it’s not sexist or degrading at all. Not the fact that her symbol is her cleavage, and certainly not the fact that she’s too dumb to think up a better symbol in all these years.

    • lokifire said,

      “I’ve come to save you through the power of BOOBS!” — Power Girl

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