The Last Unicorn vs. The Last Boy Scout

September 18, 2012 at 4:30 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

The Last Unicorn is a character (and also a unicorn) in the magnificent fantasy book The Last Unicorn, which is also a slightly less magnificent (but still pretty good) animated movie. The Last Boy Scout is probably a character in the Bruce Willis movie The Last Boy Scout, but maybe it’s just called that and there’s not actually any boy scouts, last or otherwise, in said film. (If you were wondering, no, I’ve never seen The Last Boy Scout, and, prior to googling it just now, I wholeheartedly believed it was a Schwarzenegger film and had a Schwarzenegger anecdote all set to go, so now what the hell am I going to do?)

… And so I said “Lady, I was talking to the duck!”

Anyway, one’s a unicorn and the other is (probably) Bruce Willis.

Prepare for battle!

Physicality. The Last Unicorn is a unicorn, a creature of such immense beauty and grace that no one who crosses paths with her is quite the same after. Later on, she gets transformed into a woman, who is also very beautiful and graceful and all those things I said about the unicorn. The Last Boy Scout, whom we’re assuming for our purposes here is indeed Bruce Willis, looks like Bruce Willis. (Look, I’d’ve picked The Last Airbender, but I know even less about that than the other, so you do your own fictional character battles and see how you like it!) Winner? The pretty, pretty unicorn.

Unicorn! Pretty!

Lives in a world of magic and wonder? A world with unicorns, even just the one, is a world of magic and wonder, I think. Then again, The Last Boy Scout is a world where private investigators and former pro football players solve crimes together, which is also magical and wondrous. But not so much as unicorns. Winner? The Last Unicorn.

Knows a magician? The Last Unicorn knows a magician. He turns her into a person, which is sadder than you, a person, would think, because nobody except people wants to be people. The Last Boy Scout knows a professional football player and maybe some secret agents. Winner? The Last Unicorn.

He’s not a very good magician, but at least he dresses the part.

Probably shoots some people? The Last Unicorn never shoots anybody, especially people. Nor does she impale people on her horn, which you’d kind of expect in a book I like, but you’d be wrong. In addition to random violence, I also enjoy good writing! The Last Boy Scout, being Bruce Willis, probably shoots the hell out of tons of people. And if not, he should. Winner? The Last Boy Scout.

Technically, this is from Last Man Standing, but it still starts with “Last,” so it counts, right?

Has a tragic love story? Some time after The Last Unicorn gets turned into a person, she begins to forget herself and falls in love with the evil-ish King Haggard’s gadabout son, who has transformed himself into a hero to win her over. The whole hero thing doesn’t work, but when he actually tries, you know, talking to her, somehow she gets to know him and the two fall in love a bit. Mostly Prince Lir (the aforementioned gadabout son), because, gosh, she’s just so pretty! Later, she turns back into a SPOILER ALERT, and they can’t be together, because unicorns aren’t like that. Eww.  There very well could be a love story shoehorned into The Last Boy Scout, and it could be tragic, but it turns out I don’t care. Winner? The Last Unicorn.

*Sniff*
OH GOD IT’S SO TRAGIC!

Maybe you really should’ve gone with The Last Airbender? If someone points out to me that there’s another character named “The Last” that I really should’ve heard of, boy, am I going to feel silly!

No.

Makes me cry a little bit? The Last Unicorn, book and movie both, always make me cry a little bit in two places. The first, when the unicorn is transformed into a human, because that’s seriously an awful thing to happen to a unicorn, and the second, at the end, when everybody goes their separate ways. Also, I sometimes cry when Prince Lir dies, but then he comes back to SPOILER ALERT, so it’s OK. Since beginning this post earlier this afternoon, I’ve still never seen The Last Boy Scout. Winner? The Last Unicorn.

Quick! Toss in a Bruce Willis anecdote! Yeah, so, back in the day, Bruce Willis used to have hair. True story.

Oddly enough, most screen grabs from The Last Boy Scout cut off the top of his head, removing all evidence of said hair.

Moving right along, let’s just declare a winner and call it a day. Winner? The Last Unicorn, because unicorns! Also, read the book, because it’s really lovely.

Unless you’ve read it already, in which case, let’s meet for tea and discuss the sheer tragedy of it all!

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4 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    Interesting… didn’t know that was a book. In fact, I’d only recently heard of the movie (in a Cracked article).

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, it’s a book, all right. It’s one of the best fantasy books ever. The writing is just stunning.

  2. jackie stone said,

    Does Bruce’s marriage to Demi fit the tragic love story mold?

    • lokifire said,

      Hmmmm…
      It is tragic that they named their child “Scout,” I don’t care how good To Kill a Mockingbird is.

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