No, 666 Park Ave. really does suck

October 16, 2012 at 11:04 am (Randomosity) (, , )

So, this weekend, after finding out a dear family friend had died, I did that thing I always do when someone I love dies: Waffle between wanting to do something productive and important with my life while there’s still time and stagnating in a pool of my own misery.

Like this, if the pool was filled with vodka.

Guess which I chose?

(Hint: Did you guys know there’s a drink called the Vicious Sid? It’s got Southern Comfort in it!)

Whilst stagnating, I ended up watching 666 Park Avenue again. (I’d missed it the week before because sleep seemed much more important than a mediocre TV show.) And it was much worse than the pilot episode. Which was odd, I thought, because TV shows usually improve a bit after a pilot. Not 666 Park Avenue, though.

Way to buck the trend and suck harder, guys!

This week’s episode had the creepy little girl in the haunted cellar room, plus Boring Male Main Character falling deeper into the machinations of eeeeevil Terry O’Quinn, plus some stupid side-plot about an obit writer. The rest of the episode was no great shakes (like, why did they have Clark Johnson [aka Homicide’s Meldrick Lewis] even bother to show up if they were just going to shove him down an elevator shaft right away?), but the obit writer plot was OH SO ANNOYING.

Like, this chick is bitching about writing obituaries (which, yeah, as a former obituary clerk, I realize it’s not the most fun job at a newspaper) because she wants to write important stories that mean something. Right then, I began to hate her and root for her eventual trip to hell. Because who cares about stories that mean something now that the Internet, right? Anyway, after speaking with eeeeevil Terry O’Quinn, she decides to completely lie in an obituary. I’m not sure how she came to this decision after her talk with eeeeeevil Terry O’Quinn, but she did. Because everyone respects a journalist who makes up stories.

“But I’m pretty sure eeeeevil Terry O’Quinn told me to do it or something.”

And, to her surprise, the lies she wrote about this guy come true! So she makes her mom’s obit better and then she’s all of a sudden assigned an article about this bad guy she made up for the first obit, and that makes him come to life somehow and he comes to 666 Park Ave. and hurts her a lot. Which, kind of abrupt, no? Like, she barely had time to descend into eeeevil. More like stuuuuupidty. But the important thing is, she’s probably dead, so her storyline won’t be stinking up my TV anymore.

Which brings me to my next point: Why don’t any of the storylines not suck?

And why can’t their promo dept. create a better photo than this?

We’ve got the failed playwright who maybe wants to have an affair with his wife’s assistant, aka the yoga chick who strips in front of her window in the apartment across the way. We’ve got the mystery death of eeeeevil Terry O’Quinn and botoxed Vanessa Williams’ daughter. We’ve got the Boring McBoringsons, who are boring and still refuse to just hurry up and go to hell already. We’ve got NO MELDRICK LEWIS BECAUSE THEY THREW HIM DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT DAMMIT.

“Not Meldrick, too!” I cried.

All of this adds up to a lot of stuff going on at 666 Park Avenue and none of it worth watching.

(Also, where was Dr. Dave this week? Did he get dragged off to hell in that episode I missed?)

“God, I hope so.” – Erik Palladino

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