Because dogs are cute.
And movie dogs are the cutest dogs of all. Unless Lassie was a television dog, I guess. I’ve never seen an episode of Lassie, or a movie starring Lassie. I’m not really as old as I act sometimes. (That said, you kids stay off my lawn!)
Anyway, watch my ignorance in action as Benji and Lassie, two famous dogs, face off for the honors of being my favorite one on my very own blog that my mom doesn’t even read!
Physicality. Benji and Lassie are both dogs and dogs are cute. Benji, however, has this weird overbite thing going on and a lot of scraggly fur. He’s in the “so ugly he’s cute” camp, kind of. Lassie is one of those pretty long-haired dogs that, I think, maybe herd sheep? Like a collie or something. (Look, I said “dogs are cute.” I didn’t say “I know lots of things about dogs, like what breed they are and how to get my dog to stop hiding under the bed when she sees shoes.”) Winner? Benji, because a dog with a luxurious coat like that Lassie’s just seems a bit too concerned with appearances for me.
Is actually a boy dog? Benji is definitely a boy dog. Lassie, I think, was supposed to be a girl dog, but she gets played by boy dogs because Shakespeare hated ladies or something. Or because “male collies’ coats look more luxurious on TV,” a likely story, chauvinists! Winner? It’s a tie.
Saves small children from kidnappers? The whole plot of Benji’s first movie, Benji, is about Benji and how cute he is as he runs around town to the tune of some terrible, terrible ’70s song. Also, he saves some stupid kids from some stupid kidnappers, because the dog is the smartest one in the movie. For serious! One of the kidnappers thinks there’s an actual ghost eating his pudding, and not, I don’t know, a stray dog or raccoon or one of the smarter kidnappers. I don’t think Lassie ever saves small children from kidnappers, and I’m much too lazy to read the plot synopses of every Lassie thing ever, so this round? Goes to Benji.
Foot-licks a guy back to life? While Lassie might not have saved any kidnapped children, she does save an injured sailor from being buried alive by licking his feet until the humans around revived him. Like, thank God that dog was there, because how dumb are people in dog movies anyway? “Hey, this guy isn’t moving at the moment. He’s probably dead, but I’m not going to check for a pulse or breathing or anything.” Maybe Benji does that, but I don’t think so. Winner? Lassie.
Faces off against a giant cat? The plot of a later Benji movie focuses solely on Benji somehow being lost in the wilderness and I can’t remember the rest, but there’s a mountain lion of some kind. On the other hand, Lassie probably also met a mountain lion, so I can’t really call this with any certainty. Winner? Another tie.
Has a Hollywood star? Lassie has a Hollywood star. Benji, tragically, does not. Consider the petition started. Winner? Lassie.
Quick, I have to get back to work! Let’s do a tiebreaker! Yes, let’s!
The tiebreaker: Which dog is … shorter? It’s Benji! Benji is shorter! Benji for the win! Yea, Benji!
Soooo … overall winner? Is Benji! Now let’s get that puppy his Hollywood star, people! Put your petition for the little dog that could in the comments, and I promise to read it and hope really hard that someone who has influence over these things finds this site by accident. Yea, Benji!