Insert Chicken Little reference here

November 8, 2012 at 11:46 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

A thing I don’t get about the new Bond films starring Daniel Craig (aka the guy I still don’t think looks like a James Bond, no matter how many of these things he stars in) is why do they all have such terrible names? Except for the first one, I guess, because it has the same name as the Peter Sellers one. That name’s OK. But Skyfall? If it hadn’t been for the recognizable theme music and everybody calling Daniel Craig 007, I’d’ve thought they were advertising a video game or something.

Oh, my mistake. They’re actually advertising the new Adele single.

But if you felt like ignoring that first paragraph, the point is: the new James Bond flick opens on Friday here in America (though apparently it’s been playing in France for a couple of weeks, like why does France rate, you know?) and everybody’s going to go see it.

All right, enough gloating, France, with your shiny towers and all.

And you probably should go see it. Because, as far as I can tell, M has an Astrid-from-Fringe look-alike murder the hell out of James Bond…

OK, fine, it’s only because of the awesome hair.

…then he comes back as a zombie, then Q gets a cute hipster makeover…

Should I be ashamed to admit I suddenly have a crush on smug hipster Q?

…then James Bond gets the best gun ever…

… and straight up homocides a statue…

…and then a train explodes but Bond’s suit is OK.

“It’s all right. This suit cost more than the lives of the innocent citizens who were killed in the wreckage.”

Also: more explosions, lots of Dame Judi Dench…

Huzzah!

…something with a motorcycle doing flips and a lot of people asking Daniel Craig why he’s not dead yet and he’s like “Because this is only my third Bond film, duh.”

“Besides, they can’t possibly kill me off for real till these films have grossed enough to cover the budget for the awesome suits.”

So what else does a movie need?

Oh, right, the love interest with too much lipstick.

Also, it’s not the best shade on her.

Oooh, ooh, and one of the Fiennes!

You can’t go wrong if you stick Ralph Fiennes in a nice suit and tell him to act evil.
It’s scientifically impossible.

Yup. That should do it, then.

For God’s sakes, Bond! Get off the ground before you dirty up that suit!

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4 Comments

  1. whatmakesuslive said,

    this post is so true. just everything. daniel craig is the worst james bond ever.

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, I just prefer my James Bondses to be suaver, is all.

      • Jamin said,

        Ok… Daniel Craig is clearly no Sean Connery, but can you honestly say he isn’t better than Timothy Dalton or Pierce Brosnan?

      • lokifire said,

        No, because he is blonde and funny looking.

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