So you think you’re dating the president: a late election day guide for modern teens

November 15, 2012 at 10:36 am (Top Ten) (, )

So you’ve met this great guy, and he’s probably the president, but isn’t the president married or something, and also in Washington, DC? So who the hell is this guy you’re dating?

Here’s a helpful little list of 10 items that you can use to find out.

1. Your new boyfriend is probably Muslim, because Obama rhymes with Osama, because that’s a completely logical connection to make.

Haaaaa, but seriously, I’m so glad this went away by Election 2012.

2. Your new boyfriend is the first black president, except some people say “Well, isn’t he part white, so it doesn’t really count?” so they can feel better about being horrible, horrible racists.

3. Speaking of white, he lives at the White House.

That’s where the president lives!

4. With his wife and some amount of children and possibly a pet or two.

Two. Two children. Possibly no pets. Oh, seriously, like I can keep track of the president’s family?

5. Your Republican friends are very disapproving of your new boyfriend, because he’s a bleeding-heart liberal and also the president.

6. Especially your friends who own businesses that don’t want to pay for birth control for women.

7. Seriously, if someone could explain to me exactly how being on the pill is the same as abortion, I’d love to hear it. Try it without a crazy rant though.

Oh, God, I think this image just murdered a baby.

8. Recently, your boyfriend has suffered a bit of a decline in popularity, but in the end, it turns out most people still like him anyway.

9. Except that guy who writes letters to your newspaper using phrases like “this once great nation.”

I never read the Opinion page, because, if I cared about other people’s opinions, I’d, you know, ask them.

10. …And, you know, the one percent.

Pictured here: A completely accurate representation of all the one percent, ever.

So to answer your question: No, you’re not dating the president.

It would be bad for his image.

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