So you think you’re dating a movie pirate: A modern teen’s guide

January 15, 2013 at 11:57 am (Top Ten) (, , )

Now that you’ve broken up with your last boyfriend, the mad scientist, you’re free to start dating this new fellow that’s been hanging around. He’s jaunty, mysterious, perhaps a bit swarthy (a word I now know what it is). You know what that means? The post title is what that means!

So is your new guy a pirate, or is he, perhaps, not a pirate?

Here’s a handy ten-step list to find out!

1. Does your new boyfriend have a ship? Not a boat, a ship. Rich people and fisherman have boats. Pirates have ships.

Ships with SKULL FLAGS on 'em.

Ships with SKULL FLAGS on ’em.

2. Does your new boyfriend commit horrifying acts of torture and crime? Oh, good news, then. You’re not dating a movie pirate. You’re dating a real pirate.

Oh, the one with the bandolier's your boyfriend? He seems ... nice.

Oh, the one with the bandolier’s your boyfriend? He seems … nice.

3. Does your new boyfriend dress flamboyantly and wear eyeliner? Does he also like musical theater? If he does, you’re not dating a movie pirate, you’re dating a gay stereotype.

4. Does your new boyfriend dress flamboyantly and wear eyeliner? And he doesn’t like musical theater?

... All right, he's probably a gay stereotype too.

… All right, he’s probably a gay stereotype too.

5. When your new boyfriend’s around, do people have a hard time not commenting on his: A) peg leg; B) eye patch; C) hook instead of a hand?

Or D) All of the above, plus his marked lack of dental hygiene?

Or D) All of the above, plus his marked lack of dental hygiene?

6. Does he say Arrrr a lot? Not Arrgghhh, though. If he says Arrgghhh, he’s either an ogre or in some sort of Monty Python sketch.

Now let's all quote from The Holy Grail!

Now let’s all quote from The Holy Grail!

7. Does your new boyfriend have a parrot? If he lets it sit on his shoulder all the time, you should probably invest in the services of an excellent dry cleaner.

8. Does your new boyfriend spend his time (when he’s not with you, of course) with a ragtag band of merry misfits? Well, he could be Robin Hood, or maybe even Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer.

... Hiding away the misfit toys on an out-of-the-way island seems almost racist somehow.

Hiding away the misfit toys on an out-of-the-way island seems kind of racist somehow.

9. Does your new boyfriend spend his time with a ragtag band of merry misfits? On his ship?

10. Does your boyfriend say he’d like to commit, but his first love is the sea?  Whoo, boy, does that sound like something a movie pirate would say!

That's right, baby. Work the beach. Work the beach.

That’s right, baby. Work the beach. Work the beach.

So your boyfriend has a ship, dresses flamboyantly and doesn’t like musical theater, says Arrrr a lot and is missing various body parts. Also he has a parrot and loves the sea more than you.

Then to answer your question: Yes! You are absolutely dating a movie pirate.

Is that a monkey on his shoulder or is your movie pirate boyfriend just happy to see me?

Is that a monkey on his shoulder or is your movie pirate boyfriend just happy to see me?

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5 Comments

  1. So you think you're dating a movie pirate: A modern teen's guide … | Pirate Ships said,

    […] Go here to read the rest: So you think you're dating a movie pirate: A modern teen's guide … […]

  2. sanclementejedi said,

    what about if he is always trying to claim your booty ? 😉

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, crap, you just made a better joke than I did!!

      • sanclementejedi said,

        I enjoyed your post

      • lokifire said,

        Thanks! I’m glad you did.

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