An open letter to the Community Band Conductor

March 6, 2013 at 12:28 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

Dear Community Band Conductor,

I realize that, like most modern composers, it’s difficult for conductors to remember that the E-flat Clarinet exists. Actually, I don’t really understand that at all, because, unlike modern composers who are safe in the luxury of the recording studio or one-room flat or wherever the hell modern symphonic band composers hang out, conductors are right there with the band, where it seems like it would be impossible to miss the shrill, often sharp, tones of the E-flat Clarinet.

You should just be grateful I'm not the last guy who played the E-Flat Clarinet in the Community Band. Apparently, they had to hide the music from him so he wouldn't play.

The storage case is the only place where an E-Flat Clarinet could possibly be in tune.

(A side open letter to the Community Band second clarinets: Yes, I realize I was bloody well sharp when I was playing with the flutes on that one song. It’s nearly impossible to keep the E-flat Clarinet in tune as it is, and it certainly doesn’t help to have one of you stage-whisper “She’s sharp”  to the other while I AM TRYING TO PLAY THAT VERY PART. In conclusion, I might be out-of-tune on the E-flat Clarinet on occasion, but you’re jerks.)

Anyway, Community Band Conductor, despite your best efforts to pretend you remembered an instrument such as the E-flat Clarinet exists, I could tell you had already forgotten from the way you announced (minutes after our conversation about how the E-Flat Clarinet exists) that the only instruments playing a certain passage included not the E-flat Clarinet.

I know it's really tiny, but I swear the E-Flat part's in your score.

I know it’s really tiny, but I swear to you, there is an E-Flat part in your score.

So here is a helpful way to help you remember that the E-Flat Clarinet is an actual thing: A photo!

The E-Flat Clarinet: Better than the regular clarinet, because it's much cuter.Look how cute! So wee and cute!

The E-Flat Clarinet: Better than the regular clarinet, because it’s much cuter.
Look how cute! So wee and cute!

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