Christine vs. KITT

April 10, 2013 at 10:16 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

What’s better than watching one car, slightly bigger than another, run over the smaller one?

Hardly anything.

But this fictional character battle between two sentient cars comes mighty damn close, I’m sure. (You did know that Christine and KITT were cars, right?)

Let’s get this battle on  the road!

Physicality. Christine is a 1958 Plymouth Fury. That’s pretty hot.

See? Hot.

See? Hot.

KITT is a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am. (For the sake of argument, we’re going to pretend the attempted Knight Rider reboot doesn’t exist, because, GAH, it was terrible.) That’s pretty hot too.

Oooh, I forgot he had a sunroof.

Oooh, I forgot he had a sunroof.

But not as hot as a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Damn, girl. Winner? Christine.

Can talk? KITT can talk, because he is a talking car. Actually, I think KITT is a computer program that can talk that was installed in a car, but Knight Rider was on when I was, like, an infant, so I’m not too clear on the details except for MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOOO. Christine can’t talk, which is probably good, because can you imagine the terrible things she would say? Winner? KITT.

"Rawr, I'm going to eat you."

“Rawr, I’m going to eat you.”

Will straight-up murder you? Since my parents let me watch Knight Rider as a wee child, I can only assume that the violence was pretty PG-rated, like maybe Michael Knight punched a few guys once in a while, or someone tried to run KITT off the road as he made some sort of clever quip because MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOO. Christine, on the other hand, is the main car-acter (Haaaaa, seriously, though, that was terrible. Never allow me to do that again) in a Stephen King novel, which means OF COURSE SHE WILL STRAIGHT-UP MURDER YOU. Winner? Christine.

Stephen King: Shown here smiling because he just thought of another horrible way to have monsters get you.

Stephen King: Shown here smiling because he just thought of another horrible way to have monsters get you.

Has a cooler owner? I’m not sure if Michael Knight owned KITT or stole him or borrowed him or what, because I was a small child and he was A MAN WHO DIDN’T EXIST. But for our purposes here, we’ll call him an “owner,” why not. Anyway, together, he and KITT the MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOO fought crimes (or possibly committed crimes) and wore a lot of black. Also, he probably had some 1980s style sunglasses, because of course he did. That’s pretty cool.

Sometimes he'd drive around in a tux, because he was THAT COOL.

Sometimes he’d drive around in a tux, because he was THAT COOL.

Christine’s owner was an evil old man and then, later, a zit-faced teenager who got haunted by the evil old man. That’s not very cool at all. Winner? KITT.

Can magically repair itself? I realize I’ve been referring to KITT and Christine as him and her, because one’s a boy car and the other’s a lady car, but they’re technically machines. And machines shouldn’t be able to repair themselves. I mean, I don’t think they can. Who knows what scientists have gotten up to nowadays, other than inventing monstrosities that shouldn’t be.

I kind of feel like a loving God wouldn't allow this.

I kind of feel like a loving God wouldn’t allow this.

But with magic, whooo! Anything’s possible. Especially when you live in a Stephen King novel. Winner? Christine.

Welp, I’ve run out of categories. Yup. Also, the boss is due back soon.

Overall winner? Christine, because I don’t want the haunted car mad at me.

Also, I could never say bad things about a 1958 Plymouth Fury.

Also, I could never say bad things about a 1958 Plymouth Fury.



  1. Daniel M said,

    okay this is a list of rather, whats a more awesome fictional character.

    however let me delve into this a bit further. if it’s about a contest of who will win…

    how it will play out in my head. Knight is obviously either trying to hunt down Christine and it’s current owner or knight is being chased by the two.
    car for car, Kitt can easily run circles around the Christine. Kitt’s framework is also much tougher than Christine’s appear to be according to the film. Christine would have a hard time catching Kitt and I think in a head on collision Christine would suffer much worse than kitt.

    Christine’s advantage however is in it’s relentlessness and in it’s ability to constantly regenerate. almost re-raise from the dead over and over. it wouldn’t take more than two hits for Kitt to start suffering damage and have no choice but to bail as Christine continues to pursue Kitt. Kitt needs a team of experts to maintain it’s systems, refuel and repair the machine. Christine is self sustainable and gets it’s powers from the bond of it’s owner. this would be an endless pursuit as well, it would go on for months and years. constantly on the look out for Christine. they would set traps I’m sure and constantly wreck Christine but Christine would always regenerate and come back.

    Knight can easily dispatch of Christine’s owner and that would be the only way to possibly stop Christine. in the movie however Christine still continued to seek revenge even after it’s owner was killed. however it’s all a question of how long this revenge will last . would it be an endless revenge pursuit or would it’s powers fade until it receives a new owner. ultimately I think Knight would kill or capture the owner at first. and if the car still continued to pursue then Knight and his team would have to capture and detain Christine somehow. that might or might not work. Car for Car however, no matter how fast or tough Kitt is. it would eventually grind down , run out of fuel and be completely flattened by Christine. And for godsakes don’t try and set Christine on fire!

  2. Bradley Jordan Maxwell said,

    Honestly, I have never watched Knight Rider, though I hear its a decent show, plus the Trans is a pretty sweet car, so bonus points on that. as far as autonomous-car versus evil-regenerating-car, I feel like our girl Christine would have the upper hand. HOWEVER, KITT is an AI correct? therefore it should be smart enough to hack other machines, all KITT really would be able to do is find some kind of a military base, and take control of an M1-A2 Abrams or maybe an Apache attack helicopter, –assuming he can’t find a tank– both of those vehicular weapons are armed with Incendiary cannon tech, giving them the ability to tear Christine to shreds, this would give KITT enough time to maneuver the armored vehicle — lets say he found a tank– to be set ontop of the chassis of Christine, no access to her chassis, means no rebuilding herself…
    however, this would also mean that KITT would need to lure Christine to a place where nobody can accidentally stumble on the tank and try and move it, cause they would think, “hey, whats up with this tank ontop of this flat car here?” then they move it and BOOM! instant angry evil car. no, KITT would need to find some place where he can hide her, and then he would need to make the tank self destruct.
    on the downside of all of this, in the book they tried to pin Christine down with a big gas truck, and even though they basically crushed it in two with that truck, the car was still trying to drag it’s self as if it had all wheel drive, this leads me to assume that no matter what you really try to do to her, she’s always going to be able to move, and she’s always going to be able to wiggle her way out of the scenario. maybe the best bet KITT has is to find a construction site with wet concrete, and somehow use the tank’s shovel head to plow her into the concrete, then afterwards promptly bury her in the stuff, yeah she would still be whole, but she wouldn’t be able to move, plus, with a tank, KITT can keep Christine in check while the team get’s the concrete mixer going… that right there, might be the most surefire way for KITT to beat Christine, maybe even for good.. just hope nobody decides to remodel that construction site and try to put a basement in it.

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