Evil Sherlock Holmes: Everything I thought he’d be and stuff

May 27, 2013 at 7:40 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

Yea! I just saw a movie! It was the new Star Trek movie, which I’m glad I didn’t let anyone talk me out of, because, as a non-Star Trek fan, I didn’t care about any continuity issues or any of that. All I cared about was two things: Benedict Cumberbatch as KAHHHHHNNNN!!! and Simon Pegg as SCOTTTTTTYYYY!!! (OK, that’s not quite as … eh, whatever.)

Pictured here: All my hopes and dreams as a fangirl realized.

Pictured here: All my hopes and dreams as a fangirl realized.

So, play by play of the movie:

The Enterprise crew does something on a planet and Sylar from Heroes nearly dies, which makes his girlfriend, Hot Actress Whose Name I Don’t Know, kind of sad and angry. Then they go back to earth and OH MY GOD SO MUCH TALKING WHEN WILL THE EXPLOSIONS BEGIN and then Benedict Cumberbatch saves a little girl’s life so her dad can kill some other people, like, YEA, THINGS ARE BLOWING UP FINALLY. Then Benedict Cumberbatch kills some more people, including New Captain Kirk’s boss/friend or somebody (didn’t see first Star Trek reboot film; probably won’t; not sorry; except about excessive use of semi-colons), but he doesn’t kill Robocop, who is also in this movie, YEA ROBOCOP!

*breathes*

Then New Captain Kirk and everybody EXCEPT Simon Pegg goes off to kill Benedict Cumberbatch, which probably is because Simon Pegg likes Sherlock too, because he’s awesome like that. But then they don’t kill  Benedict Cumberbatch, which is good, because who would keep watching this movie if Evil Sherlock Holmes was dead? So they fight some Klingons, because what fun is a Star Trek movie without murdering Klingons (except maybe some of the Next Generation ones, I guess), and then Benedict Cumberbatch (who went and hid on a Klingon planet for some reason) comes out and OH MY GOD HURTS SO MANY PEOPLE I HAVE A NEW FETISH. Then he reveals that he’s KAHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!, which everyone already knew, so I’m not putting a spoiler alert, go suck, and he’s like, Robocop wanted you to shoot these torpedoes at the enemy planet to start a war, it’s all his fault, and then I had to go, “Wait, how did he know you’d go running off to the Klingon planet? Was that part of his plan, too? Dammit, I wasn’t expecting to nitpick anything because I don’t know anything about Star Trek but that’s just illogical!!”

"It sure was awesome when you killed all those Klingons, though!"

“It sure was awesome when you killed all those Klingons, though!”

*breathes*

But then I just went with it, because Benedict Cumberbatch. Also, Simon Pegg came back, and I was in my happy place. (Apparently, my happy place is in, like, the United Kingdom, which is populated by Cumberbatches and Peggs and is a land of magic and wonder….) Oh, also, Evil Sherlock Holmes was totally right that Robocop was trying to start a war with the Klingons, and then everybody on the Enterprise almost dies, but then they don’t because Simon Pegg saves the day, and then they almost do, except SHERLOCK HOLMES TOTALLY MURDERS ROBOCOP.

(P.S. BEST SENTENCE EVER!!!)

Evil Sherlock Holmes has even floppier hair than Non-Evil Sherlock Holmes.

Evil Sherlock Holmes has even floppier hair than Non-Evil Sherlock Holmes.

Then some other stuff happens, but I don’t really remember it because I was too busy replaying the scenes of Benedict Cumberbatch hurting people in my head, but then New Captain Kirk dies, except I totally called he wasn’t dead because of the KAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!! blood they injected in the Tribble, and then (THEN!!) Benedict Cumberbatch hurts THE HELL out of Sylar from Heroes, which was so AWESOME because costuming put him in a trenchcoat, and I think I’m getting the vapors.

*Fans self*

Make them pay, Evil Sherlock Holmes! Make them all pay!!

Make them pay, Evil Sherlock Holmes! Make them all pay!!

Then Benedict Cumberbatch/Evil Sherlock Holmes/KAAAAAHHHHHNNNN!!!! is put back into cryogenic sleep and then I kind of fell asleep because Stupid New Captain Kirk started talking again and wouldn’t shut up. Then the movie was over.

Also, I didn’t sit through the credits, so if it ends with something like Benedict Cumberbatch’s eyes springing open in his cryogenic tube, I am going to be SO MAD.

Even madder than when I learned about the cut Benedict Cumberbatch shower scene, because WHO CUTS A BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH SHOWER SCENE?

Even madder than when I learned about the cut Benedict Cumberbatch shower scene, because WHO CUTS A BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH SHOWER SCENE?

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9 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    I got way more excited than I should have when Robocop showed up in this movie. Also, hilarious review!

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, I turned to my daughter and I was like: “That’s ROBOCOP!” and she was like “…” and so I then had to go: “The Time Traveler from White Tulip!” and then she went “Oh!”
      (Just like when I had to explain that Original Flavor Spock was William Bell.)

      • brikhaus said,

        Some day when I have kids, they are going to get exposed to Robocop, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and all kinds of awesome 80s stuff, so they will be as cool as I am.

      • lokifire said,

        Yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing to my daughter, to make up for her damn father, who exposed her to *shudder* princesses.

  2. megdias said,

    OMG, I’m crying! Of laughing about your review of the movie. It looks like Mr. Cumberbatch has this effect on people. I can’t concentrate in many things when he’s around, speaking, walking, killing, fighting, sherlocking… Bathing…

    • lokifire said,

      Truly, he is a magnificent creature.

  3. Why am I ambivalent about Almost Human? | Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] (the life lessons are ANDROIDS WILL KILL US ALL, AND ARE HOT). Karl Urban, aka another guy from Evil Sherlock Holmes in Space: The Movie, stars as Detective Boring White Guy With a Fake Leg. Michael Ealy is His Partner, A ROBOT , and […]

  4. KM said,

    just have to say, best review of this movie EVER! and you’re actually winning by being a “non-Star Trek fan” cause as a trekie, these movies hurt, and i really liked the first one before i watched the orginal series… 😛 Benedict Cumberbatch is the only real redeaming feature of this one… and Pegg – do love him as Scotty.
    i think of them as Star Trek and Fringe had a love child… yup…

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, all the Star Trek fans I know just hate hate HATE the new movies. It’s kind of how I feel about Sherlock Holmes stuff, I guess.

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