Let’s remake some movies

June 4, 2013 at 11:22 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , )

So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.

I think there might be something wrong with me.

I think there might be something wrong with me.

Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:

1. Robocop

Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?

But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.

But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.

2. Terminator 2

The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.

Also, I'm afraid if I heard the words "Come with me if you want to live" in Benedict Cumberbatch's voice, I would probably just die. Seriously, I have an illness.

Also, I’m afraid if I heard the words “Come with me if you want to live” in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice, I would probably just die.
Seriously, I have an illness.

3. Taken

I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.

They wouldn't even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.

They wouldn’t even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.

4. The Bourne movies

I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.

Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.

Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.

5.The Thing

Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.

Should I seek professional help?

Should I seek professional help?

6. Sherlock Holmes

Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.

7. Batman

Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.

Sherlock Holmes > Batman.

Sherlock Holmes > Batman.

8. Versus

Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.

It's the Mary Poppins of movies. Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of "Chim-Chim-Chiree."

It’s the Mary Poppins of movies.
Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of “Chim-Chim-Chiree.”

9. The Matrix

Bullet-time Cumberbatch!

What time is it? It's BULLET Time!

What time is it?
It’s BULLET Time!

10. Star Trek: Into Darkness

OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.

Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes' Adventures in Space.

Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes’ Adventures in Space.

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2 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    1.) You’ll have to settle for House instead of Sherlock, but Sherlock would be awesome in this.
    2.) Cumberbatch would be incredible as the T-1000!
    3.) Yes.
    5.) Yes.
    7.) Cumberbatch as The Riddler would be even better. But him as Batman would also be cool.
    9.) Cumberbatch as Agent Smith?
    10.) Oh please god, remake this movie.

    • lokifire said,

      1. Aw, jeez, I got all excited, but then I googled “Hugh Laurie Robocop,” and House is out, but 1980s Batman (Michael Keaton) is in.
      2. Yes. Yes, he would.
      7. I’ve never been a fan of The Riddler, but since we’ve already got a perfect Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy) and I’d hate for someone to have to mess up THE CHEEKBONES for my favorite Batman villain (Two-Face, natch), I guess that would be OK.
      9. Oooh, yes, and then he could beat up Keanu Reeves, which would be wonderful.
      10. Yeah, I really think they screwed up the whole thing by cutting the shower scene. That’s what you’re referring to, right?

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