Everybody needs to watch Siberia, all the time, right away, forever

July 2, 2013 at 8:03 am (Randomosity) (, )

You guys. Siberia is the BEST!

Pictured here: The future of television.

Pictured here: The future of television.

So it’s this reality show or something, and they take the contestants by helicopter to Siberia (although I didn’t realize Siberia looked so much like Idaho) and then they’re like, “Ha ha, we kept your luggage, have fun in the wilderness for six months! Also, you’ll be staying at a HAAAAAAUUUUUNTED cabin where THE EXACT SAME NUMBER OF PEOPLE AS YOU (once we eliminate two of you) DISAPPEARED UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. HAAAAAAAAAUUUUUNTED!!!!”

And then they get to the haunted cabins of doom and, along the way, reveal that they’re all a bunch of stereotypes: The computer geek with thick glasses, the taciturn bouncer with a short temper, the cocky cowboy, the leader, the backstabbing model who’s not here to make any friends, the flamboyant DJ, the shy one, the quirky one, the helpful hippie, the Asian girl….

Huzzah! I'm a stereotype!

Huzzah! I’m a stereotype!

Then there’s your typical reality show hijinks, like there’s seven people of each gender, but only six beds per two cabins, and the backstabbing model who’s not here to make any friends refuses to sleep on the floor, so she’s going to share a bed with the flamboyant DJ, who actually is kind of cute when he’s filmed at the right angle. Then they make a fire using the computer geek’s thick glasses so that, for the rest of the series, we can just pretend we bought that really worked. Then they’re sitting around the fire and they hear strange noises (Actual exchange: “Is that a bear?” “It doesn’t sound like a bear.”) and they run to the safety of the cabins, which is good, I guess, because then they’re leaving the camera crew out as bait.

After that, morning happens, and we’re supposed to pretend it’s not obvious they were all whisked away from the cabin and bathed and re-makeuped.

Then, you guys, oh THEN: The computer geek finds a toad. WITH THREE LEGS. A THREE-LEGGED TOAD. So he runs and shows it to the cocky cowboy, who, up until this point, had been all like, “yeah, we should kill and eat the computer geek because Darwinism and all,” but when he sees the THREE-LEGGED TOAD, he’s like “My mind is BLOWN, y’all, could this mysterious competition get ANY MORE MYSTERIOUS?”

THREE-LEGGED TOAD!!!

"Pretend I have three legs, and then get ready to laugh and laugh."

“Pretend I have three legs, and then get ready to laugh and laugh.”

Then the quirky one (you can tell because she’s got these giant feather earrings, like, how many swans died for your fashion statement, you know?), the goth girl and the helpful hippie go looking for mushrooms … AND THE HELPFUL HIPPIE NEVER COMES BACK.

Oh, Helpful Hippie! We hardly knew ye!

Oh, Helpful Hippie! We hardly knew ye!

And they get back to camp and everyone’s like, jeez, how could you leave the helpful hippie behind, he was the nice one, and they’re about to go looking for him, when suddenly ONE OF THE CAMERAMAN COMES STUMBLING OUT OF THE FOREST COVERED IN RED PAINT. Possibly it’s supposed to be blood.

It would've been better if they'd just hit the cameraman for real. METHOD ACTING, people.

It would’ve been better if they’d just hit the cameraman for real. METHOD ACTING, people.

“Oh my god, y’alls,” quoth everyone, while the HAAAAAAUUUUUNTED cabins lurk in the background. “Could this mysterious competition get any more MYSTERIOUS?”

Yes! Yes, it could!

The host comes out of the forest and is like, “Yeah, so the helpful hippie, accident, fatal, I’m going to keep this brief because this is the 27th time we’ve filmed this and someone laughs every single time.”

Then the backstabbing model who’s not here to make any friends forgets her character and starts crying, and they’re all so worried, and they realize the producers just don’t care and then BOOM, episode’s over, but we get some really exciting clips for the upcoming episodes (Oh, and I forgot, they actually have a sequence where they show the helpful hippie’s last minutes on this mortal coil, which is a terrible Blair Witch rendition, and someone drops the camera and runs away, because they do not have the budget for realistic looking blood on this show).

Anyway, in the coming episodes, our cast of stereotypes will realize: They’ve been completely abandoned (except for the camera crew filming their every move)! Something Strange Is Going On! Everybody Run!

In conclusion, please watch this show, because if it gets canceled, I will never laugh at anything that hard, ever again.

Nobody thought that, screen grab. Nobody thought that.

Nobody thought that, screen grab. Nobody thought that.

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4 Comments

  1. michaelampersant said,

    This is so funny!

    • lokifire said,

      You’d better be watching it in France, because if this show gets canceled, I will be so sad.

  2. brikhaus said,

    Wow. A television show I actually want to watch. Thanks for the rec.

    • lokifire said,

      It is. It’s really great. I think I laughed almost the entire hour.

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