Missing: One Sith Lord. Reward if found

July 12, 2013 at 11:47 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , , , )

Several years back, a small movie was released. That movie was the first of a trilogy that told us the terrible truth about Anakin Skywalker’s descent to the dark side. That movie starred some kid as the young Darth Vader. Some kid who — has anybody seen that kid since?

I found this on a milk carton.

I found this on a milk carton.

Anyway, that young actor’s name was Jake Lloyd. Horribly miscast though he was (seriously, people, does anybody ever picture Darth Vader as a scrawny white guy when he’s so clearly a large black man?)…

I mean: OBVIOUSLY.

I mean: OBVIOUSLY.

… he did his best with the material. Or probably it was his best. I don’t know. Maybe he was phoning it in, 9-year-old style.

But where did he come from?

And more importantly, where did he go?

But “but where did he come from” is what we’re tackling first, so here’s a basic history of young Jake Lloyd. Born in 1989, Lloyd, towheaded little moppet that he was, tackled his first acting role on ratings giant ER as Jimmy Sweet because of course they’d call him Jimmy Sweet. Just look at him!

Awwwww!

Awwwww!

He later moved onto Unhook the Stars, which is a silly name for a movie, and Jingle All the Way, which is a silly name and a terrible movie (I’m told), and a role on The Pretender, which is a television series from the ’90s that everybody’s heard of but nobody watched.

Maybe people pretended to watch it?

Maybe people pretended to watch it?

Then. Boom! Fame! Super-fame! “You’re going to be Darth Vader,” they said to the kid. “Cool,” he replied, little knowing the fate in store for him.

That fate? A series of voice roles in Star Wars video games and a starring role in something called Madison, which is too boring to even recount here, suffice it to say it was released in 2005 and it’s 2013 now (unless you’re reading this in the future, I guess), so … yikes.

So, seriously: What happened?

Well, according to Wikipedia, knower of all things great and wide, Lloyd retired from acting, citing bullying by his classmates as a main reason. Because kids are assholes.

"My dad said you raped his childhood, so it's okay to kick your ass."

“My dad said you raped his childhood, so it’s okay to kick your ass.”

Also, the stress of doing up to 60 interviews a day was getting to him, but that seems like an exaggeration to me, because were there really 60 news/blog sources that wanted to talk to this kid?

Anyway, he moved on to a job at the mall in high school, which isn’t as depressing as fast food or porn, and then went off to college, where he studied film. Probably because the bullying had stopped by then because he totally doesn’t look like the kid from Star Wars anymore, so he was probably able to just convince everybody he had the same name.

"Yeah, it's a pretty common name, guys."

“Yeah, it’s a pretty common name, guys.”

Wikipedia, which never makes things up, also says that Lloyd destroyed his Star Wars memorabilia and won’t watch the films because they’re too “creepy,” but I think someone just misspelled “crappy.”

It's "A-P-P-Y," not "E-E-P-Y."

It’s “A-P-P-Y,” not “E-E-P-Y.”

So there you go, folks: The kind of depressing life history of the poor bastard who played Darth Vader as a kid and then his mean classmates were jerks to him till he stopped acting altogether.

Why are kids so CRUEL?

Why are kids so CRUEL?

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5 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    He could return to acting now, and nobody would know who he is. Not that I’m advocating he return to acting. I’m just saying…

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, and he’s old enough now that little kids can’t bully him anymore.
      Probably.

  2. Jamin said,

    I’d actually learned this not long ago on Cracked. Part of me feels bad for him, because it kinda sucks to have your life ruined over a crappy acting gig. But part of me considers it justice, because his character was seriously the worst thing about Phantom Menace. Yes, worse than Jar-jar. Jar-jar was stupid and pointless, but he could be ignored, because he was mostly unimportant. Anakin, however, was the most important character, and he was utterly unlikable. Or maybe that was just me, because I’ve always hated precious super-children being shoehorned into things.

    • lokifire said,

      Yea! You’re back!
      Also, I don’t feel like you can blame him, because he was just a little kid, and little kids tend to do what George Lucas tells them to do. If George Lucas is like “Suck and ruin this movie,” then you suck and ruin this movie. But George Lucas didn’t have to be like that, ’cause Phantom Menace wasn’t very good anyway.

      • Jamin said,

        I never said it was a rational blame 🙂 But yes, Lucas should have lost custody of his creations long ago. I’m sure there have been cases of people losing custody of their children due to senility.

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