So you’re trapped in a V.C. Andrews novel: A modern teen’s guide

July 25, 2013 at 10:55 am (Top Ten) (, )

“What’s a V.C. Andrews?” say you kids today, with your Twilights and Honey Boo Boos.

Well, shut up, you kids today, and get the hell off my lawn. I’ll tell you what a V.C. Andrews is and how to know if you’re trapped in a V.C. Andrews novel, and you’re going to like it.

Trapped, symbolically, and also literally.

Trapped, symbolically, and also literally.

1. Recently, your mother has locked you and your three siblings in an attic at your grandparents’ house. Also, she was married to her uncle. “Be very quiet,” she said. “If Grandpa knows you exist, I can’t inherit millions of dollars.”

"I swear, if you're hiding your inbred children in my attic, I'll disinherit you so face your head will spin!"

“I swear, if you’re hiding your inbred children in my attic, I’ll disinherit you so face your head will spin!”

2. Is your grandmother the sort to be cool with your mother locking four children in an attic in her house? “Shut up, you kids, and stay in my attic,” she might say.

She just has that kind of face, you know?

She just has that kind of face, you know?

3. After a while, your mother stops visiting you in the attic. “It’s not because I don’t care about you. It’s because I’m busy not being locked in an attic.”

"Now, seriously, kids, could you just die or something?"

“Now, seriously, kids, could you just die or something?”

4. “By the way,” your mother says. “You should totally try some of these doughnuts.” “They’re not poisoned with arsenic at all!”

"Or, well, you know: Hardly."

“Or, well, you know. Hardly.”

5. After a few years of being locked in the attic, is your sibling starting to look pretty good to you? Not eating-wise — you’ve had plenty of arsenic doughnuts, after all — but, you know. Ahem. Look, this is a delicate situation, you kids today, but I think I had better come straight out with it. If you are trapped in a V.C. Andrews novel, there is going to be a lot of sibling sex. A lot.

Creepy blonde sibling sex, nonetheless.

Creepy blonde sibling sex, even.

6. One of your younger siblings (not the sexy one) will die of arsenic poisoning, and their corpse will probably be placed in a trunk in the attic. “Did you like the doughnuts?” your clearly evil mother will inquire.

"Now there's more for the rest of you. You should hurry up and eat them and ignore this bottle of poison, all right?"

“Now there’s more for the rest of you. You should hurry up and eat them and ignore this bottle of poison, all right?”

7. After you finally escape from the attic, will you vow revenge on your mother, possibly through the ancient art of seducing her new husband? Hell, yes you will!

Whoops, sorry! Wrong soap opera.

Whoops, sorry! Wrong soap opera.

8. And when you reveal before a large crowd that your mother locked you and your siblings in the attic for several years (omitting the part about the sibling sex, of course), will the reaction be a bit less than what you were hoping for? “Meh,” your mother’s acquaintances will react, at large.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure we've all locked our inbred children in an attic at some point."

“Yes, I’m pretty sure we’ve all locked our inbred children in an attic at some point.”

9. Of course, there will be a fire after this. Of course there will.

It's not a gothic novel till a house burns down.

It’s not a gothic novel till a house burns down.

10. And in the end, you’ll end up married to your sibling. Why? you wonder. Because you’re trapped in a V.C. Andrews novel, that’s why.

"Someone please save us! The writing -- it's so overwrought!!"

“Someone please save us! The writing — it’s so overwrought!!”

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4 Comments

  1. planetbierwagen said,

    I wasn’t sure how to get in contact with you other than doing it on this here BLOG! Matt Haney, the new guy at Venture/Nova (whatever) asked if I might know anyone else interested in participating in WET INK 2013 (September 20-21).

    I know that you have not even been asked to write in a couple of years. I got so fed up with what became of the event that I did not even participate last year.

    If you’re interested let me know how Matt can reach you, and I’ll give him your info.

    – Travis

    • lokifire said,

      Aw, jeez, Travis, and here I thought it was somebody who cared about V.C. Andrews.
      I’ve e-mailed you with my contact info.

  2. Natalie said,

    I care about V.C. Andrews! I used to read all those twisted books!

    • lokifire said,

      Yea! I LOVED those in junior high. I had the whole series. That’s classic smut, dammit!

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