I had no intentions of watching Sleepy Hollow. I mean, the premise alone is ridiculous: Ichabod Crane is brought back from the dead and he has to help solve crimes and the Headless Horseman is one of the Four Riders of the Apocalypse?
So, yeah, I was going to give that one a gigantic pass.
I learned that John Noble (a.k.a. Walter Bishop, the maddest scientist ever) will have a guest-starring role on it!
“John Noble?!” I cried. “He’s wonderful!”
And that’s how, last night, I ended up trying to watch Sleepy Hollow.
And OHMYGOD it is TERRIBLE. And not, like, Siberia terrible, which was quite hilarious in its ineptness, but more like sad terrible, like you feel bad for everybody involved, especially John Noble, because they deserve better. Especially John Noble.
Now, mind you, I completely missed the first episode, so I don’t know how that one was (I can only assume bad, though), but here are some highlights of the second episode:
First off, there’s an interminably long dream sequence, like, I knew it had to be a dream sequence because Ichabod Crane is running from four horseman (and one of them doesn’t have a head, of course), and he’s running and running. And then he’s running some more. And also? He’s still running. Finally, he gets caught by some trees. Like Evil Dead-the-original caught. Except instead of getting tree-raped, he gets pulled into the ground. There’s a woman there (apparently his wife? Who was a witch? I guess?) and she says a bunch of annoying, prophetic things, and Ichabod Crane STILL hasn’t woken up, and then she keeps talking while walking backwards, because prophets are always doing that in dreams, and then he doesn’t wake up some more, and then FINALLY he wakes up and it’s like, UGH LEARN PACING GOOD GOD.
Then we get a bunch of flashbacks to the first episode, which I didn’t even see, but I was like, yeah, got it, let’s move on, although the best flashback was Daniel Cho in prison, which is best described by Lady Detective:
“There was something in that cell with him and it popped his head like a Pez dispenser!”
And, yeah, it totally did. And it was hard to tell if it was supposed to be serious and spooky, or silly, but it turned out to be neither, and just kind of stupid.
Then they went to a funeral, which was also boring, and then somebody remembered Ichabod Crane is from the past, so he said things like “Take heed” every once in a while, and then there was a shot of a morgue and I said, “OK, unless Dana Scully shows up, the person in that body bag is going to start — oh, look, he’s moving now,” because nobody shows autopsies on TV unless they’re done by Dana Scully or some CSI character, I guess.
And after that was Daniel Cho coming back to life, and it was stupid, and I finally decided that it was never NOT going to be stupid, and I don’t love John Noble enough to wait and see if he ever showed up.