Why couldn’t I finish watching Sleepy Hollow?

September 24, 2013 at 4:00 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , )

I had no intentions of watching Sleepy Hollow. I mean, the premise alone is ridiculous: Ichabod Crane is brought back from the dead and he has to help solve crimes and the Headless Horseman is one of the Four Riders of the Apocalypse?

Oh, and they had to go with the most obvious joke, of course.

Oh, and they had to go with the most obvious joke, of course.

So, yeah, I was going to give that one a gigantic pass.

But then:

But THEN!

I learned that John Noble (a.k.a. Walter Bishop, the maddest scientist ever) will have a guest-starring role on it!

“John Noble?!” I cried. “He’s wonderful!”

God bless you, sir, I will always love you.

God bless you, sir, I will always love you.

And that’s how, last night, I ended up trying to watch Sleepy Hollow.

The cast, from left: Head Cop, Witch, Reanimated Dead Guy, Lady Detective

The cast, from left: Head Cop, Witch, Reanimated Dead Guy, Lady Detective.

And OHMYGOD it is TERRIBLE. And not, like, Siberia terrible, which was quite hilarious in its ineptness, but more like sad terrible, like you feel bad for everybody involved, especially John Noble, because they deserve better. Especially John Noble.

Like silk suits and alternate universes.

Like silk suits and alternate universes.

Now, mind you, I completely missed the first episode, so I don’t know how that one was (I can only assume bad, though), but here are some highlights of the second episode:

First off, there’s an interminably long dream sequence, like, I knew it had to be a dream sequence because Ichabod Crane is running from four horseman (and one of them doesn’t have a head, of course), and he’s running and running. And then he’s running some more. And also? He’s still running. Finally, he gets caught by some trees. Like Evil Dead-the-original caught. Except instead of getting tree-raped, he gets pulled into the ground. There’s a woman there (apparently his wife? Who was a witch? I guess?) and she says a  bunch of annoying, prophetic things, and Ichabod Crane STILL hasn’t woken up, and then she keeps talking while walking backwards, because prophets are always doing that in dreams, and then he doesn’t wake up some more, and then FINALLY he wakes up and it’s like, UGH LEARN PACING GOOD GOD.

Also, how can you make a beheading BORING, Sleepy Hollow?

Also, how did you manage to make a beheading BORING, Sleepy Hollow?

Then we get a bunch of flashbacks to the first episode, which I didn’t even see, but I was like, yeah, got it, let’s move on, although the best flashback was Daniel Cho in prison, which is best described by Lady Detective:

“There was something in that cell with him and it popped his head like a Pez dispenser!”

And, yeah, it totally did. And it was hard to tell if it was supposed to be serious and spooky, or silly, but it turned out to be neither, and just kind of stupid.

Also, yes: Daniel Cho was a character in Evil Sherlock Holmes in Space: The Movie.

Also, yes: Daniel Cho DID play a character in Evil Sherlock Holmes in Space: The Movie.

Then they went to a funeral, which was also boring, and then somebody remembered Ichabod Crane is from the past, so he said things like “Take heed” every once in a while, and then  there was a shot of a morgue and I said, “OK, unless Dana Scully shows up, the person in that body bag is going to start — oh, look, he’s moving now,” because nobody shows autopsies on TV unless they’re done by Dana Scully or some CSI character, I guess.

"If the corpse wasn't dead before I removed his liver and spleen, he definitely was afterward."

“If the corpse wasn’t dead before I removed his liver and spleen, he definitely was afterward.”

And after that was Daniel Cho coming back to life, and it was stupid, and I finally decided that it was never NOT going to be stupid, and I don’t love John Noble enough to wait and see if he ever showed up.

At least if it's canceled, it'll free Mssr. Noble up for other roles.

At least if it’s canceled, it’ll free Mssr. Noble up for other roles.

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1 Comment

  1. Why am I ambivalent about Almost Human? | Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] like Sleepy Hollow before it, I did manage to watch the second episode. Unlike Sleepy Hollow (which I keep hearing is awesome and great and not anything like what I thought of it), I watched the entire episode, so I can tell you all about the second episode of ALMOST Human, […]

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