Yea Sherlock’s back Yea!

January 2, 2014 at 9:46 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

Yea Sherlock Series 3 premiered in Europe yesterday and thanks to the magic of illegal downloads on the Internet, I have watched “The Empty Hearse.” Disappointingly, there were no empty hearses in the episode, outside of a group of conspiracy theorists calling themselves such, but I guess not every television show can have shoutouts to my profession.

(I work at a funeral home, if you forgot, so every time someone dies on TV, they are speaking directly to me.)

"Yes, I know that you exist and totally care that you do."

“Yes, I know that you exist and totally care that you do.”

Anyhow, to SPOILERS ALERT all over the place, “The Empty Hearse” opens with an explanation of Holmes’s faked death so ridiculous that I screamed “STOP KISSING MOLLY EWWWWW NOOOOOOO!”

No! Wrong! Bad! No!!!!

No! Wrong! Bad! No!!!!

Luckily, shortly after I found a paper bag to breathe into, it was revealed that the whole scenario was completely made up and hadn’t happened at all.

"Faked it!"

“Faked it!”

Then some Serbians capture some hairy shirtless guy and they’re torturing him, and I was like, “Hmmmm, those slightly-sloped shoulders look familiar. Haven’t I seen them in Sherlock Series 2 Episode 1?” And it was Benedict Cumberbatch, shirtless, and I had to find another paper bag to breathe in because BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, SHIRTLESS.

Heh. Heh heheheh heh.

Heh.
Heh heheheh heh.

(I just got so many hits to this post, you don’t even know.)

Then John Watson and his ridiculous mustache show up, and there’s this cute bit where Holmes tries to reveal himself to Watson and it doesn’t work at first, and then it does, and then I was like, “Punch him, Watson, punch him!”, but Watson settled for a nice throttling instead. Ooooh, and then he headbutted him.

Later, he shaves this, THANK GOD.

Later, he shaves this, THANK GOD.

And then Holmes teams up with Molly, and I was all like, “NOOOOOO STOP HANGING OUT WITH MOLLY YOU ARE HURTING MY IMAGINATION,” and then it turns out Molly is engaged or something, so it was all okay.

And then some bad guy kidnaps Watson and Holmes commandeers a motorcycle to rescue him, with Watson’s fiancee Mary holding onto his waist, which is totally my Sherlock Holmes fantasy, except I’m driving the motorcycle and he’s holding onto my waist, and we cruise through the streets of London together and fight crime and everyone tells me how pretty my hair looks.

"And your motorcycle leathers are just so stylish!"

“And your motorcycle leathers are just so stylish!”

Later, they save Watson and then reveal how Holmes really faked his death! He was in on it with Moriarty! And then they kissed, which I totally called.

"Eh. More likely than him kissing Molly," I said.

“Eh. More likely than him kissing Molly,” I said.

Except that’s also a fakeout!

And then there’s a guy that disappears from a subway train in London! And an underground network! And Mycroft Holmes being so cute and uptight, you just want to pinch his little cheeks!

And then I used this picture, because HOLMES BROTHERS.

And then I used this picture, because HOLMES BROTHERS.

And then the Holmes Srs., whom I thought were an aunt and an uncle, and not the folks! And then a bomb! And then Holmes explains how he really faked his death, which is actually just as implausible as the fakeouts!

Then we meet Molly’s new boyfriend, who is Sherlock’s long-lost fraternal twin brother, and then Holmes puts on a deerstalker cap and then I smoked a cigarette because it was just that good.

Anyway, welcome back, Sherlock! I’m glad it didn’t take you 10 years to return!

Gosh, I hope I'm invited to Watson's wedding!

Gosh, I hope I’m invited to Watson’s wedding!

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11 Comments

  1. Scarlet said,

    SHERLOCK yay I hope John isn’t too weird with his moustache.

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, he’s pretty weird, all right.

  2. Scarlet said,

    I’m glad John shaves it off!

    • lokifire said,

      It was a crowning moment in the episode, for sure.

      • Scarlet said,

        I had a couple of heart attacks during the empty hearse

      • lokifire said,

        Was it when Holmes kissed Molly? ‘Cause that made me, no exaggeration, cry out in agony.
        NOOOOOO THAT’S WRONG SHERLOCK DOESN’T KISS THE GIRLS STOP IT!!!!
        is kind of what it sounded like.

  3. Scarlet said,

    That too BUT it was also when they were in the subway car trying to turn off the bomb. heh heh heh the look on John’s face! lol

    • lokifire said,

      Poor Dr. Watson. He deserves some nice friends.

  4. Scarlet said,

    he has lots of dwarfish friends in the Hobbit!

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, but can you imagine the dwarf body odor?
      Maybe he is better off with Holmes.

  5. Scarlet said,

    I guess so too…

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