Dr. Zoidberg vs. Cthulhu

February 12, 2014 at 11:11 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

One is a hideous squid-like monster.

The other is Cthulhu.

I … think I’ve used that joke before. Anyway, Dr. Zoidberg is a squid-monster from space who lives with the Planetary Express crew in Futurama.

Also a doctor somehow.

Also a doctor somehow.

Cthulhu is Lovecraft’s squid-like monster who devours souls or something.

Please enjoy this adorable Cthulhu from julianvanbores at deviantart. Because the other images gave me nightmares, that's why.

Please enjoy this adorable Cthulhu from julianvanbores at deviantart.
Because the other images gave me nightmares, that’s why.

Anyway, which is less horrifying?

Let the battle … begin!

Physicality. Seriously? You want me to decide which of two tentacle-faced horror beasts is more attractive? You, my friend, are one sick puppy. This category’s a wash. Winner? No one.

You sick, sick puppy.

You sick, sick puppy.

More popular? Nobody likes Zoidberg. Poor Zoidberg. Cthulhu, as a hideous squid monster from the depths, also doesn’t have friends. This category is also a wash. Winner? Also no one.

More likely to kill you? I think people get sacrificed to Cthulhu. I mean, I don’t know for sure, as I’ve avoided reading books about hideous tentacle monsters, but I suspect that they do. Because if sacrificing people meant keeping the hideous tentacle monster in the sea where it belongs, who wouldn’t sacrifice innocent babes to it, you know? On the other hand, Dr. Zoidberg is a terrible, terrible doctor. You know what this category is? If you answered “a wash,” you are correct, and also into the old-school lingo like me. Winner? No one, still.

"Wait, no, I win!" -- H.P. Lovecraft

“Wait, no, I win!” — H.P. Lovecraft

Was this a terrible idea? Yes. Yes, it was.

For the tie-breaking question, to decide which of these disgusting, horrible, grotesque creatures is slightly less the things I just said: Wears clothing? Well, that’s just cheating. Dr. Zoidberg has to wear clothing, because who goes to see a naked doctor? Winner? Dr. Zoidberg, barely, because he’s slightly less creepy.

For God's sake, doctor, put your clothes back on!

For God’s sake, doctor, put your clothes back on!

Overall winner? Dr. Zoidberg. Now please, make fictional character battle suggestions in the comments below, because I’m  clearly out of ideas.

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1 Comment

  1. ahan said,

    Kendra Sorenson from fablehaven vs Miro from five kingdoms

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