The Olympics are making me cry right now

February 14, 2014 at 10:48 am (Top Ten)

The Olympics are happening right now. You probably already knew. Anyway, this year, they are really making me cry. Here’s a list of the ways in which they are doing so.

1. Those damn McDonald’s commercials where they show people getting medals. I hate McDonald’s, but watching Olympics, Special Olympics and Paralympics athletes get medals is so goddamned moving.

2. Canadian mogul skier Alex Bilodeau’s brother Frederic. Frederic was born with cerebral palsy, and Alex Bilodeau is a gold medal-winning athlete, so of course they interviewed him. I held it together pretty well until Alex spoke of his brother saying: “Do you think I would be an athlete if I wasn’t disabled?”

We think you're awesome just the way you are, Frederic.

We think you’re awesome just the way you are, Frederic. *sniff*

3. The “Thanks Mom” commercials. I’m a mother, and I am amazed at the parents who have the wherewithal to raise an Olympic athlete. Luckily, my child is awesome and independent, because I could barely teach her how to use a spoon. Good work, Olympic parents!

4. Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko having to drop out of the Olympics due to his back injury. I don’t even like Evgeni Plushenko, but I bawled like  a baby when he told the reporter: “I’m a normal person, like you. I’m not robot. But … I try.”

OH GOD IT WAS SO SAD I COULDN'T STOP CRYING.

OH GOD IT WAS SO SAD I COULDN’T STOP CRYING.

5. American skeleton competitor Noelle Pikus-Pace’s miscarriage. She teared up, then I teared up, then probably her husband cried too. So sad!

Also, the fact that she keeps wearing those giant earrings while competing make me really worried she's going to lose an earlobe.

Also, the fact that she keeps wearing those giant earrings while competing make me really worried she’s going to lose an earlobe.

6. Shaun White taking fourth in the half-pipe. Though I’m a little peeved with him for dropping out of the Slopestyle competition at the last minute (thus taking up a perfectly good spot on the American Olympics team), my heart still broke a little when he didn’t medal in the half-pipe.

The lesson to take from all this is never grow your hair out again, Shaun, because it looks great.

The lesson to take from all this is never grow your hair out again, Shaun, because it looks great like this.

7. American figure skater Jeremy Abbott falling during his short program. He took a face dive and was clearly injured. He lay on the ice for what seemed like an eternity, then finally got up and, moved by the crowd’s cheering, finished his damn program.

Poor bastard.

Then, later, he said he might not be a medal skater, but at least he could show people you could get up and keep going after something like this, and I said, “Stop making me cry, you impressive bastard!”

8.Remembering that Mirai Nagasu won’t be competing in this year’s Olympics. American figure skater Nagasu took third place at the U.S. nationals, ostensibly qualifying for the Olympics team, only to get knocked out by fourth-place finisher Ashley Wagner. Nothing against Wagner, but man do I feel bad for poor Mirai!!

Especially since, without her, our ladies figure skating team is awfully blonde.

Especially since, without her, our ladies figure skating team is awfully blonde.

9. American skiers sweeping the medals in the Slopestyle competition. I was so relieved that they beat out that Swede with the dreadlocks and the pants that were 10 sizes too large, I wept a little. Also: Medal Sweep!

Thank you, gentlemen, for wearing clothes that fit, and also being awesome skiers.

Thank you, gentlemen, for wearing clothes that fit, and also being awesome skiers.

10. Bob Costas’s eye infection. Luckily, he’s taking some time off, because whenever his grody eye infection showed up on my television screen, my eyes started watering in sympathy.

GAHHHHHHH LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!!

GAHHHHHHH LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!!

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